Paradox of Choice

“You go to L.A., or you go to New York, and it’s really fun to go there.

But they’re not grounded…. There are too many choices.

And it’s distracting to me.” —Bob Seger

Has this ever happened to you? You go to a party or bar and meet someone hot, and then his eyes seem to look right past you at what appears to be a better option. Ouch.

Then someone walks up to you and says “Hello,” but you find yourself looking over his shoulder at the one that just got away. But alas, the one that got away continues his search for Mr. Right. And so do you.

I often hear from these rejected types that they can’t meet anyone decent because all the guys in L.A. are jerks—to which I then inquire how they fit into that equation. (You will be unsurprised to learn they view themselves as the single exception to that rule.)

I once wondered if there was a way I could get all of these ‘decent’ discontents into a room so they could finally meet each other. But I put off that idea because I knew these guys would only repeat their same pattern—turning their back on those available to them, and then calling everyone else a jerk—ending up in some kind of dating circle jerk.

Maybe the problem is not that all the guys in L.A. are jerks. Maybe the problem is just that all the guys are in L.A. Now, wait and hear me out.

I’m not putting down living in our city. I sing Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.” along with everyone else. And the amount of gay men is staggering. Just turn on Grindr at nearly any location in L.A. and you could spend three days just working through a 500-foot radius.

But in a city as large as Los Angeles, with so many available men to choose from, one would think it’d be easy to find someone for more than one night. Liberace famously stated, “Too much of a good thing is wonderful!” But does that apply to too many choices in men? Was it a wonderful thing in the long run for Liberace?

Believe it or not, too much choice actually makes it more difficult to settle on one thing. Psychologist Barry Schwartz addresses this phenomenon in his book The Paradox of Choice. He points out that too much choice can freeze us in our tracks.

When there are too many choices, we put off making the decision until tomorrow … and the day after that … and the day after that. And if we are talking about settling down in a relationship, we end up doing anything but.

So what should a relationship-hungry single guy do? Just walk into a crowded disco with a giant wooden club, clobber the first attractive man you see on the head and drag him out by his clipper cut? Well, that problem would be solved, but you are left with one more—it’s not just in the choosing but also what happens after you have chosen.

When we are faced with lots of choices and we finally make one, we often end up less satisfied with the choice we made than if we’d had fewer options to choose from in the first place. Said another way, where there are a lot of fish in the sea, we worry that the one we caught is not going to taste quite as good as the ones we let get away.

Why? It’s not because there’s a problem with the man you met (well, at least I assume there isn’t.) Truth is, most guys in L.A. are decent human beings. It’s just that with so many tempting other men out there, it’s easy to imagine that a different choice would be a better guy for you.

And the more there are ‘better guys’ to compare him to, the more regret for choosing to be with your chosen guy in the first place. And so, once again, you end up complaining to your friends that there are no decent guys in L.A. Sound familiar?

To make matters worse (and more disheartening), at least part of your dissatisfaction may be due to the fact that you did pick a less-than-optimal guy. But again, this is because there are too many choices.

A 2013 University of Warwick study published in the Psychonomic Bulletin and Review demonstrated that when we have more choices, we tend to spend less time getting information about each individual option. When there are a lot of men to get to know, we spend less time getting to know each one. This can lead to serious problems, because you tend to go on surface material rather than really getting to know the person first.

So what’s the solution for single Angelenos? If only we could do a “Best of Men” edition of Frontiers. But, alas, it would be the size of a 1974 phone book.

You could move to a smaller place where there are fewer eligible men and you would have more time to get to know each one. But that’s not practical—or desirable—for most of us.

If you are going to stay here, I suggest a dating tip from deep in the heart of Texas: “Raise your skirt and lower your standards.”

Realize you are swimming in a big school of fish. People are going to spend less time getting to know you, so help them out by being more revealing and honest about whom you are so they can make a better decision. If they reject you, then gracefully move on knowing it wasn’t a good match after all.

And when you meet people, don’t judge people based solely on their exteriors. Take extra time to get to know them. And the next time you are at a party or bar and a ‘better option’ walks by, ignore him. Treat the person right in front of you like the best option. He just may be.

Prissy Gays

When did high-maintenance become high fashion? In the gay world it seems that more and more men say they ‘need’ luxury accommodations just to feel comfortable and they are wearing their increasing delicacy on their sleeves like a pink Prada purse.

I keep hearing statements from marginal friends and arms-length acquaintances saying things like, “First class was sold out and I had to fly coach!” or “This town doesn’t have a Four Seasons!” or “I don’t wait in lines, I do them.”

OK, as a psychologist, I get it. When people make mountains out of molehills, it is because there is something else underneath it. Maybe they feel deeply insecure and need external validation for their worth. Maybe they have a mild form of autism. Whatever it is, it’s not attractive. These gays just seem prissy.

Prissy gays must have everything their way. They demand the ‘best’—and by best they usually mean the most expensive or the latest trend. They must drive a premium car model. They must eat at hot-spot restaurants. They must wear shoes without socks. They must have clear skin and shaved balls.

I, for one, have always prided myself on being able to flex to any situation. I will fly coach, wait in a Disneyland-sized line and top it off with a Never-Ending Pasta Bowl from Olive Garden—sort of a premium guy who runs on regular gas.

Then I went camping.

Now, I had gone camping many times as a child. I went with my family, with friends’ families, with my school and with the scouts. When I was young, it seemed like everyone wanted to pitch a tent.

I can tell war stories, like the time I played dead as a bear sniffed my ear (really). Or floating down a river on a raft for hours (fun). Or the frequent games of strip poker during the scouting trips (really fun).

Fast-forward 30 years or so to me and my packed SUV, off to a campsite in Kings Canyon National Park. This was going to be a cinch.

After what seemed like an endless trip up a mountain after a long journey from L.A., we arrive at our campsite just as the sun was setting out on the horizon. I was desperately in need of a cold cocktail and a hot meal, but that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

What we arrived to was a barren patch of dirt and a fire pit. There wasn’t a meal or a cocktail on the agenda until we got our ‘housing’ situated, and by housing, I mean we had to find the flattest dirt and pitch the tent—not easy to do in the dark of night.

Then came time to blow up the air mattresses. Two mattresses. Two holes. One hard ground to sleep on. Thank goodness for the Lucky Charms dinner, and the one thing I didn’t get to have on camping trips as a kid—margaritas.

Ah! Good drinks, great people and a roaring campfire. This suddenly wasn’t so bad.

But after a sleepless night on a gravel mattress pad and several trips to the nearby tree, I emerged the next morning looking like a chipmunk did my hair and felt like there was moss growing on my teeth. Little did I know this was the best I would feel all day.

That morning was spent sharing duties making breakfast on a Coleman stove and taking trips to the unlit latrine to see if a stall was finally available. We hiked—or, rather, the women all power-walked and the guys slowly shuffled. Then we drove down the hill to the store to buy firewood and a comb.

By the afternoon I was covered in soot and needed a Silkwood-style shower. Stat! The only problem was that the showers were a mile away; you had to wait in line for 30 minutes and then insert 12 quarters.

Then it dawned on me—I wasn’t as flexible as I once fancied myself. Staying at a campsite with nearby facilities and a cooler full of ice and margarita fixins is really the height of comfort for most seasoned campers. Even so, I was miserable.

This really made me wonder—had I become a prissy gay too?!

OK, maybe I can stomach cramped coach seats, uncomfortable Comfort Inns and waiting my turn, but was that where it stopped? Could I survive on less?

All the judgment and scorn I had for these delicate flowers who insist on high thread counts and low-carb desserts was now squarely on me. Being miserable in essentially ideal camping conditions taught me a lesson: It’s all relative.

Ah, good, lesson learned.

Now, I know we live in America and most of us are used to a little better than just “three hots and a cot,” but the next time you find yourself complaining about your conditions, you need to ask yourself, Why am I being so prissy? Am I in the woods or just imagining that I am?

Come on. No one needs first class, a Four Seasons Hotel or a bidet. You do need food, shelter and a place to relieve yourself. While the niceties are nice to have, you don’t really need them to survive. What you may be missing are good drinks, great people and a roaring campfire.

That is true luxury.

Suicide Is Never Painless

Suicide seems to be a hot topic in my practice lately. And, not surprisingly, talk of suicide is never a light or inconsequential matter. Rather, it means there is a serious problem afoot and the person in front of you is suffering extreme distress.

Since I’ve realized that many of the people who are talking about suicide often have misinformation or no information about suicide, I wanted to set things straight.

Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the nation, but the third leading cause among those 15-24. And although more women attempt it, guys are four times more likely to die from it. That’s because guys tend to use more lethal means, like guns or suffocation, whereas women tend toward pills or poisons.

Matters get worse if you are one of the LGB variety (especially in high school). LGB high schoolers are three times more likely than their straight peers to have considered suicide in the last year. LGB high schoolers are also over three times more likely to have attempted suicide in the last year, and are twice as likely as straight peers to have attempted suicide altogether.

For our transgender brothers and sisters, things get even rougher. One study found that 30 percent of transgender individuals surveyed reported having attempted suicide. (The national rate is 4.6 percent reporting to have attempted.)

Stigma, shame and prejudice are all thought to play significant roles in the increases. The behavioral manifestations of bullying, family rejection and physical, emotional and even sexual abuse can significantly worsen matters, whereas family connectedness, caring adults and school safety serve as protective factors for LGBT individuals.

There are many myths commonly associated with suicide—for instance, talking about suicide will trigger someone to act. Wow, is this wrong! Not talking about it is more likely to lead to a completed suicide than talking about it. So, if you suspect, ask. If they flip their wig, too bad. But most who are seriously thinking about it will be relieved that they do not have to keep their suffering secret. Keep calm, listen and work with them to get to a professional who can help them find a better way to ease their suffering.

Some think that if they ignore signs of depression it will pass. Nope. Maybe the immediate threat may pass, but the problem remains. The truth is that most people who die by suicide have a mental illness and/or a substance use disorder. Their suffering precedes their desire to die. Suicidal thoughts are like the tip of an iceberg, and anyone who has seen Titanic knows how dangerous those can be.

Many feel that it gets better as we get older, but just because I gave you bigger youth statistics doesn’t mean it gets better with age. Though the suicide rate for women declines after age 60 (after peaking in middle adulthood ages 45-49), the rate for men goes back up—especially for the white oldsters. In fact, white men over 85 have the highest rate of suicide of any group, regardless of age, gender or race. I am sure having a culture that reinforces fierce independence and not discussing one’s problems has something to do with it.

One of the most common misconceptions is that people commit suicide to hurt others. This is rarely, if ever, the case. People who commit suicide are generally not thinking about the harm they are about to do to those around them. If they do, they minimize it (see the next one). Two-thirds of those who commit suicide are depressed. And being depressed is like being behind a thick fog. They cannot see the effect they are having or will have on others.

“Everyone will be better off.” This is one that folks who desire suicide often say. Psychologist Thomas Joiner has a theory that people will desire suicide when they hold two beliefs in their heads long enough: 1) I am a burden, and 2) I do not belong. Holding these two beliefs are like mixing fire and gasoline. If you hear someone saying that while talking about suicide, you need to give that person an emotional slap in the face. Grab them by the shoulders, look them in the eyes and tell them how devastated you would be if they took their own life. And, that you would never fully get over it. And you never do.

I think so many of us keep hearing that things are getting better for the LBGT community. And with increasing rights and acceptance, they seem to be. But just because things are better doesn’t mean everything is fine.

If you know someone who is talking about suicide, take all threats seriously. This is not a test. Threats are rarely bids for attention and are often followed by serious attempts.

Get that person help. Get them to a professional pronto. I list some hotlines that are especially helpful below.

Create a safe environment. Get rid of firearms, lethal medications and other means that could be used to kill oneself.

If you are someone who is considering suicide, get help. Your suffering is the problem, not your living. Suffering can be healed. Death cannot. Human beings are social animals and do better with the assistance of others. Tell someone.

Think about the consequences. I understand you are thinking about the ending of your suffering. But you are obviously not aware of the psychological and emotional trauma that you will leave behind. There is no way to avoid it. Suicide is like a bomb that goes off, spewing shrapnel into everyone around it. Your suffering will now be carried by many others and for years and years to come.

Call one of these hotlines: Trevor Lifeline: (866) 488-7386.

Specifically for the LGBTQ folks, Suicide Hotline: (877) 727-4747

Spanish-Speaking Suicide Hotline: (800) SUICIDA (784-2432)

Access to L.A. County Mental Health: (800) 854-7771

All of these hotlines are available 24 hours a day/seven days per week.

P.S. All of my factoids are from the American Association of Suicidology at suicidology.org. Also check out The Trevor Project at TheTrevorProject.org.

The Freedom Not To Marry

A funny thing happened on the way down the aisle—a lot of gay couples are hesitating.

OK, I know I shouldn’t be raining on the marriage parade. It’s been a long, hard fight, and the recent Supreme Court decisions are something that change the landscape with respect not only to equal rights, but also equal recognition and respect for our relationships by friends, family and the credit bureaus. The thing is, the day after the decision was announced, I started hearing hushed whispers from gay men and women. As if reading from a script, they would all say the same thing: “I think it’s great that we have the right to marry. But I don’t know if I personally want to get married.”Now that we have the freedom to marry in 13 states, the District of Columbia and five Native American tribes (whew, that is a lot to say) and federal recognition, the game has changed. No longer is same-sex marriage a second-tier prospect where you have to fill out three tax returns while watching your foreign-born spouse get deported.

No longer will these once state-married but federally single couples get introduced as “My cousin Bill and his ‘friend’ Jim.”

In 13 states, the District of Columbia and five Native American tribes (again!), gay couples get to join the married-people club.

Wait a minute. Didn’t Groucho Marx once say, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member”?

Apparently he’s not alone.

After years of living together successfully, many of these marriage hesitators are asking themselves, “Do I really want to rock the boat?” Things may be moving too fast for some, and they’re getting seasick. Last I checked, marriage doesn’t come with a barf bag, so they are putting their heads between their knees until this hoopla is over.

But there’s nothing to be scared of, right? Maybe we should set these gay couples straight by looking at straight marriage with some stats from the Centers for Disease Control.

No, marriage is not a disease, but it appears to be ailing. The CDC shows us that as the population in the U.S. has steadily gone up, the marriage rate has steadily gone down—by 20 percent in just 10 years.

And, I know they say marriage is forever, but the CDC begs to differ. According to them, just over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Prop. 8 proponents expected this to go up even more if gays got to marry, as they thought heterosexual couples were going to jump ship. Last I checked, same-sex marriage had no effect on the divorce rate. Oh wait, I did, and it does.

States that allow same-sex marriages have a 20 percent lower divorce rate than those that don’t! Maybe the slogan should have been, “If you want to protect marriage, ban bigotry.” But I digress.

So even though things have been rough in the marriage waters, it appears adding gays to the mix is good for the overall institution. So why would some couples hesitate?

The biggest concern I hear from those who don’t want to get married right now is the worry that they will be forced to change their relationship—or worse, that it will change the course of gay culture.

If you read my previous column, you know that at least one study found that same-sex marriage had a “traditionalizing effect” on gay couples, meaning they take on more “traditional” roles in response to tying the knot. Maybe those who are afraid of losing our hard-fought cultural differences have a point.

Previously, we couldn’t have legal or societal recognition of our relationships, so we made the rules up as we went along. This is why these relationships may have worked so well. Though they didn’t have a massive support system keeping them together when times got rough, gay couples also didn’t have that same support system telling them how they “should” behave in that same relationship.

Now that our marriages are going to be viewed like everybody else’s, gay couples are going to be told how to live those relationships by traditionalists out there. If you live your relationship differently, traditional couples may see that as a threat, so the pressure will be on to conform.

But, last I checked, marriage is a legal contract that solidifies a relationship in the eyes of our society and not an obligation to move to the suburbs, have 2.3 kids and gain 30 pounds. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!) Gay culture is about to go through a huge seismic shift, but then so is American culture. Rather than conforming, maybe we can use our well-known redecorating talents to spruce up the institution of marriage.

And for those who want to sit a spell and not rush in to anything, great! Marriage is not a requirement; it’s a civil right (in 13 states, the District of Columbia and five Native American tribes). The wonderful thing about being given a right is that you don’t have to exercise it. Or as my mother would say, “Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.”

So along with our freedom to marry those we love comes the freedom not to get married, too. And being able to live our relationships the way we want is truly freedom.

The Advantages (AND One Big Disadvantage) to Gay Marriage

Ding-dong, Prop. 8 is dead! Once again—and presumably for longer than five months this time—California same-gender couples can get down on one knee, have rice thrown at us and file for divorce just like all the mismatched-gender couples out there! But once the entire gift registry is exhausted, what’s in it for us?

Well, I am not going to get into all the legal mumbo-jumbo. Let’s just hope those old-time traditional marriage laws that once forbade different races from tying the knot and turned a non-consenting woman into a man’s property are now sufficiently changed (except in mutually agreed-upon S&M relationships, of course).

Also, by now, I hope everyone has heard the benefits of marriage for our diverse-gender couples—things like better health, longer lives, less depression, more happiness, quicker illness recovery and less risky behavior. The only question is, Does that hold for the homos, too? Wait, strike that offensive statement. Homos can be in a discrepant-gender marriage. Ask Michele Bachmann.

Do same-gender couples enjoy the same psychological benefits of their contrasting counterparts? According to a 2012 study published in the American Journal of Public Health, researchers found that in our first legal marriage state, Massachusetts, mental and physical health visits and costs went down for gay and bisexual men after marriage equality. The conclusion? The reduction of stigma and inequality lifted a heavy burden off these guys. So far, so good.

The following month in that same journal, a UCLA study was published that found that men who were legally married to other men were more likely than other gay men to be more relaxed, calm, and peaceful, felt less depressed and felt hopeful about the future.

This held true when the married guys were compared to the single guys. But it also held true when the married guys were compared to guys in domestic partnerships! If we didn’t learn it during the Jim Crow era, then we can certainly learn it now—’separate but equal’ is really just separate. To work, it needs to be just equal. It seems that having the same exact status, rights and privileges is what makes the key difference.

What is perhaps more fascinating is that some people are making the case that allowing those of the same gender to wed will reduce HIV-infection rates. I assume they are focusing on the guys here as female-to-female HIV transmission rates are already about as low as you can go.

Everyone seems to be pointing to a 2009 study by Emory University that found bans on same-sex marriage can be directly tied to a rise in the rates of HIV infection. These brains in the Atlanta-based University estimated that constitutional bans on gay marriage raise the infection rate by four cases per 100,000 people. This may not sound like a lot to you, but it is to those four people.

HIV-prevention strategists make the case that same-gender marriage bans contribute to an atmosphere of intolerance for gay people and their relationships, resulting in increases of marginalization, depression and isolation among gay people—especially the young ones. As a result, our higher-risk coping methods of choice go up—sex, drugs and house music. (Now, obviously house music is not a high-risk behavior, but it’s often playing in the background.)

So it’s easy to see why gay marriage bans are not good for our community’s health. But will legal marriage decrease the rates of gay men getting HIV? I know what some of you are thinking—sure it will, because being in a marriage kills your sex life! “First he says, ‘I do,’ then he doesn’t.” Stop! While that may be true for your relationship, my relationship and all of our friends’ relationships, it is not true for everyone.

In fact, some argue that one of the groups at most risk for getting HIV is in-fact men in long-term relationships. Of course, this could be the result of a positive partner transmitting it to a negative partner; these couples are generally extra cautious and tend to stay their respective statuses. What is more likely is these long-termers who use Grindr for more than just chitchat.

All of this is well and good, but here is the real downside—housework. A fascinating 2009 University of Iowa dissertation study found that marriage tends to have a “traditionalizing” effect among same-gender couples. Rather than giving more housework to the person who has more time to do it (as would only seem fair and as is done with the unmarrieds), it appears that femininity determines who does the household labor in these married same-gender couples.

This works well for the one who gets to lie on the couch and drink a beer while watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it is a real drag for the other one who ends up having to both bring home the bacon and also fry it up in the pan. Now, that is not to say that the bacon-fryer is less butch than his or her partner—it’s more about personality. Basically, they can have a head for bed-making and a bod like a T-Rex.

So, something to think about—legal marriage can bring more happiness, fewer trips to the doctor and less HIV-infection. So it is with great joy we same-gendered couples can now join the dissimilar-gender couples of California for lives of marital bliss (provided you are not the one saddled with the housework).

What Kind of Gym Guy Are You?

Did you know that gym is short for the word “gymnasium?” Oh, sure, you did. But did you know that “gymnasium” comes from the Ancient Greeks and translates to “a place where men exercise naked?” Neither did I!

According to the modern source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, the name comes from the ancient Greek term gymns, meaning “naked.” But besides the public naked games place, the gymnasium was also a place of socializing and pursuing intellectual interests—naked as well, I assume. (Today, all of the intellectualizing appears to be done in the steam room.)

Coming on the heels (no pun intended) of the Frontiers swimsuit issue and gay Pride, we have all been spectators to the effects of hours and hours spent in various and sundry gyms around the Southland. I for one am exhausted just looking at them!

I was also treated to laments from various and sundry muscle-bodied acquaintances who were saddened that their muscle bodies were not as defined, enlarged, engorged, inflated or gargantuan as those of their other friends/competitors. Either they had not pumped, injected or thrown-up enough, so they were now determined to double-down and push for more. (We all need a goal.)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not above such sentiments. Though I spent my high school years trying to figure out ways to get out of gym class, I promptly started going to a local gym when I got out of high school. And I haven’t stopped going since. So, looking at my unsatisfied acquaintances, the non-stop parade of perfection that I witnessed recently and my own experience, I wondered what motivates us gay men to go to the gym.

Former personal trainer and perpetual smart guy Erick Alvarez describes six basic gym types in his 2008 scholarly book (with a hot guy on the cover), Muscle Boys: Gay Gym Culture. Can you find yourself in one of these groups?

1. Older Men (men over 40). For these guys, good health is the primary motivator. Funny, because around my 40th birthday (cough), I totally changed my gym routine and started doing boot camp. My cardio capacity tells me this intensive level of exercise did improve my health, but my knees beg to differ.

2. HIV-Positive Men. These guys use the gym to manage their health. Again, health is the motivator. The transition from ‘70s ‘trim and toned’ to the current muscle beef movement can be traced back to the early ‘90s when a large number of HIV-positive men started taking steroids and bulking up to forestall HIV-related wasting. With protease inhibitors, wasting seems like an almost forgotten problem, but the use of steroids has only exploded (and so have the bodies).

3. Athletes. These guys use the gym to supplement their sports activities. Marathons, triathlons and ultimate finger-dialing telethons are the focus—not looking better in the mirror. I meet these mystery beings now and then, and they tend to remind me how bad I was at sports in elementary school. (Nothing they do, just my stuff.)

4. Circuit Men. These guys want to look hot so they can go to big parties, dance to thumpy music, take their shirts off and show their ripped abs. Now, you know they could take their shirts off even if they had a gut, but then no one would look at them. And that would be worse than staying home.

5. Muscle Bears. These guys build it big and burly rather than tight and defined. (Basically, they may pump and inject, but they don’t throw-up.) These guys still have parties with thumpy music where they take their shirts off, but in this crowd, a gut gets all the looks.

6. Miscellaneous Muscle Boys. This is the “catch-all” category. These guys work out to look good (and possibly for good health), but they don’t identify with any of the above groups. Chances are a lot of guys have been in this group at one time or another—such as when they are between parties and still telling people they’re 29.

So, which one are you? If you said “none of the above,” don’t be alarmed. You are in good company. Nationwide, only 38 percent of gay men even have gym memberships, according to a 2012 national survey done by Community Marketing, Inc. And we all know that having a membership does not mean you go to the gym!

But if you live in a big city, chances are you workout. Gym-going gay men total 57 percent in a 2012 survey of New York City residents by Global Strategy Group, Inc. (I suspect that is the same number of gay men who have three or more gym memberships here in L.A.)

Whatever their motivation, the gym is a place of importance for many in our community. It is a place of health, building strength and confidence, creating structure, forging new friendships and even giving a sense of purpose for some. It would be silly to trivialize it.

So, the next time you are in a gym, remember its true meaning, and when you are on the elliptical trainer, start up an intellectual conversation with the guy next to you about the homoerotic subtext of the late ‘70s TV series BJ and The Bear—naked.

Uncomfortable in a Swimsuit? You’re Not Alone!

If you’ve made it to this column you most likely have already been treated to a generous serving of beefcake. Not that I am complaining—I don’t usually mind being dessert! But, after looking at all those gorgeous men with muscular bodies wearing next to nothing, I feel more like a serving of Lime Jell-O than the Zero-Calorie Hot Fudge Sundae you were probably hoping for.

Maybe it started with the home delivery of the International Male underwear catalog, but seeing hot men in swimsuits always did generate a special blend of allure and anxiety. You end up both wanting to date these men and wanting to be just like them, and for most of us, both goals seem fairly unattainable.

When I was doing therapy with gay men in Texas, the number one problem I encountered was religion. But here in L.A., the number one problem is body image. Let’s face it—we live in a town obsessed with looks, and being gay men, we often catch ourselves between looking and wanting to be looked at.

UCLA psychology great Anne Peplau and her esteemed colleagues published a study in 2008 in the Archives of Sexual Behavior that looked at body image satisfaction in both gay and straight men and women. They found that about a third of gay men in an internet sample had a low appearance evaluation, and a quarter of them had a preoccupation with being overweight. (I strongly suspect these stats would be higher if the study participants were all from L.A.)

Since this is a swimsuit issue, isn’t it nice to know that 26 percent of gay men are uncomfortable in a swimsuit? That number jumps to a whopping 59 percent if the men are obese.

When sex was entered into the equation, things got worse. The study found that 42 percent of those gay men sampled said their body image had a negative effect on their sex life, and 39 percent of those men hid at least one body part during sex. Yikes! No wonder so many guys want to have the lights off or be some version of drunk, high or otherwise obliterated when having sex.

Study Fun Fact: The body part that gay men are most likely to hide during sex is their stomach.

In a strange showing of solidarity, lesbians had about the same incidence of low appearance evaluation and preoccupation with being overweight as the gay boys. (These gals were also stomach hiders.) But—and it’s a big ‘but’—they were far less likely to say their body image had a negative effect on their sex life! Only 27 percent reported such a problem, so most can leave the candles burning.

All these factoids are well and good, but to paraphrase business professor Aaron Levenstein, “Statistics are like a Speedo. What they reveal is interesting. What they hide is vital.”

What these statistics hide is why and what to do about it. We can only guess at the why, but swimsuit season is upon us, so what is more important right now is what to do!

Tear up the swimsuit pictures? Pop a Xanax? Buy a Real Doll? No, no, and—unless your name is Lars—hell no!

If you are among the dissatisfied, here are five tips to keep you sane through swimsuit season:

1. Remind yourself you are not alone. Review the stats above and remember, L.A. is probably a whole lot worse.

2. Dress for what you’ve got. By all means, put on a swimsuit, but choose one that flatters rather than flabs. I’m partial to the maximum coverage of board shorts, myself.

3. Make improvements where improvements can be made. Power-walk, join Jenny Craig, get a new ‘do. If you are not working to improve, you are probably letting things get worse.

4. Ditch the bitchy queens. Negativity is a virus. If you’ve got friends who hate their bodies or put others down, it is only a matter of time before you get infected. Find a group of like-bodied and positive-minded friends, pronto.

5. Get corrective lenses for your mind. You don’t have to like your body, but you will be better off if you can accept it. A good therapist can help you change those negative thoughts and body images. A healthy view of yourself will end up making you more attractive to others, even if you change nothing else.

The Power That Comes With Pride

Do you think you look fat in those skinny jeans? Better not tell people, because no one will like you—especially if you’re actually a skinny bitch! How do I know? Well, a study presented at the recent Midwestern Psychological Association by the Notre Dame Body Image and Eating Disorder Lab told me so. Impressive. So there.

You see, they lined up pictures of all sizes of women and paired them with positive statements such as, “I know I’m not perfect, but I love the way I look,” and some overly familiar negative statements like, “I can’t remember the last time I was happy with the way I looked.” Then they asked another group of ladies to rate them on likeability. You know what they found? (If you read the previous paragraph, you probably have a good idea.)

They found that the more the women trashed their bodies, the more the rater just wanted to put them in the trash. In other words, they found those negative nellies unlikeable, regardless of body size. It wasn’t just the hot-bodied bimbos who annoyed everyone when they insisted they were getting fat.

And who are the people that the raters liked best? The women that weren’t picture perfect but liked aspects of their looks anyway. Ta-dah! They liked the people who had pride! (You didn’t think you were going to get away without me mentioning that, did you?)

So, all of this made me wonder—if having pride about your body can make you more likeable, can having pride about one’s sexual orientation do the same thing? Well, I couldn’t find any studies (though I don’t think a single Google search counts as really looking). So, I am going to theorize based on my learned opinion. In other words, I am going to make it up and blame it on my schoolin’.

I believe there are two basic kinds of pride. First there is the bad kind—that is, having an inordinately high opinion of one’s self. My high school English teacher called this ‘false pride’ because it was a pride based on the delusion that one is better than other people. Living in L.A., we often get a daily dose of pompous poops who embody this concept. Other words might be conceit, arrogance or just plain old narcissism. It’s a fun fantasy to imagine these falsely prideful individuals encountering another type of pride (a group of lions). But, I digress.

Then there’s the good kind of pride. The kind we are celebrating this month. I hesitate to call it ‘true pride’—it’s too much like ‘true grit.’ But, when you consider that ‘grit’ refers to a firmness of character and indomitable spirit, it’s really kinda the same. The same kind of spirit that filled a small band of drag queens, bar flies and pissed-off passers-by to stick it to their oppressors who were trying to harass and arrest them at Stonewall in 1969. They embodied a true sense of pride that reflected self-respect and a dignified sense of what is due to them as fellow human beings.

I don’t know about you, but I am filled with awe when I think of these trailblazers. And so it goes when I meet people along the way that are just as truly proud of who they are and what they bring to the table.

Rather than thinking they are better or worse than others, they believe themselves to be equal. They even like themselves and like the very thing that has forced generations into the closet—their sexuality. They do not fear someone will ‘discover’ they are gay (or bi or trans) because they have come out of that musky closet and said it to the world. And when one no longer feels fear, they are immediately more at ease with others. You know what happens then? I like them more, and so do you.

You see, it’s not such a stretch from the study with body image. We like people who feel good about themselves (not fake good, but really, truly good), even if we perceive them to have flaws. So, even if other people perceive your sexuality as flawed, they will still look to you as to how to feel about you. If you express shame, they are more likely to agree and be ashamed of you. But if you express satisfaction with who you are, others are also more likely to agree and like you more as a result. How about that?

So if you want people to like you better (and who doesn’t?), stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up, look people in the eye and tell them something like, “I know I’m not perfect, but I love being gay (or bi or trans).” You just might like yourself better, too.

And while you’re at it, stop calling yourself fat!

When is It Safe to Take Your Boyfriend on a Gay-cation?

Every year for the past four years, my partner and I have gone to Cancun with a large gay-owned travel organization. For those who don’t know, it’s a tour group that organizes cruises and land trips all around the world for mostly gay men. I won’t say the name, but it rhymes with Schm-Atlantis.

For those who have not been on one of these trips, you have probably seen ads with ripped muscle boys cavorting joyously on sun-drenched beaches and beside sparkling deck pools. This advertising definitely attracts many customers but seems to intimidate others.

To the intimidated, let me reinforce your fears and say there are examples of these male show-ponies prancing around, but thankfully for the rest of us, they are fairly few compared to the regular-looking gay men (who are still better looking than most straight men their age).

These trips attract a wide variety of people from all over the world. The majority of attendees are couples—approximately two-thirds. And a lot of them come back year after year. Now, there is the occasional “thruple” (a three-way relationship), but they get all the attention because everyone wants to know who does the laundry. (I doubt it’s the newest one.

That is why it was odd when a previously single friend canceled his annual trip because he was now in a relationship. This eight-month unsingle friend was afraid that taking his new beau on such a trip may rock the boat—or would even cause his boyfriend to abandon ship. Which lead me to wonder, when is it O.K. to go on a gay vacay with the fianc (or other paired-up partner)?

For the uninitiated, these packaged gay-cations have all those activities that boys who like boys like to do. There are the predictable parties where scantily clad lads dance to a never-ending thump. There are pop stars, Broadway singers, lounge acts, drag queens and comics, all imported for added fun. And there are loads of things to do all day long (and no, I don’t mean “Miss Things”). But the single most prominent feature of such a vacation is the sense of community and togetherness. There is an almost instant understanding and camaraderie that comes out when we gays gather together. Wow, I sound like I am selling it! Now to validate my friend’s concerns…

I hear stories of people who snort mysterious substances and stumble into slings, but in all my time I have never encountered such a thing (probably because I don’t snort or stumble). I think the people who encounter those things are probably looking for them. But I do see a lot of innocent flirting and more than a few walks of shame.

Kevin and I go for an entirely different reason—to relax in a place where we can be ourselves, free of judgment, scorn and raised eyebrows. As much as we may fear judgment from the occasional prissy queen, our real problems have come from a larger society that doesn’t always get us. And who can blame them?

The general public thinks all we do is go shirtless and dance to thumpy music because that’s what they see on TV shows (mine notwithstanding). Unless someone close has come out to them, they don’t know we can be a rather unglamorous bunch who shop at Target, sleep with our mouths open and fight over the remote. Most wouldn’t even dare take off their shirt in public (or even in private for that matter). But I digress.

So, really, this doesn’t answer my question. When is a relationship strong enough to go into a group of men who are seen as ‘the competition,’ even if they are also in a relationship? For some that may be week two of a relationship. For others, that may be year 20. Time isn’t the issue; it’s the security each person in the relationship has in themselves first and in the relationship second.

To check your own security, ask yourself if you believe you are worthy of this relationship and the affections of the man or woman who is in it with you. Also, ask yourself if your partner communicates his or her affection for you both behind closed doors and when out in the gay public. If not on both counts, you will probably find yourself prone to jealousy and insecurity, and this vacation may not be fun for you.

Also, ask yourself if you can trust your own wandering eye not to turn into wandering hands. If you can’t, then it’s best to step away from the buffet. If your partner is flirty, you have to ask yourself if you can stand others reciprocating. (It’s only polite.) Or, if your partner is much better looking or younger than you are, be prepared for the vultures to start circling and then swooping in when you step away for a smoke. All of this is what straight couples have to put up with all the time, so don’t start thinking it has anything to do with being gay. It’s human nature.

Once you have passed all of these insecurity checkpoints, you need to talk with your partner and map out some rules for the vacation. What do you both want from the experience? Shall we spend time apart or stay attached at the hip? What happens when you want to do different things (or different people)? Shall we bring one “toy” and share so we have more room for the headdress? Don’t assume anything!

It’s not easy to have a talk like this, but it is worth it! And if you do at the beginning of your relationship, you are far more likely to have a successful first-time gay-cation and begin to develop the skills for a successful long-term partnership as well.

For the record, Schm-Atlantis (and its sub-schmidiaries) did not pay me a fee for this article and, in fact, has only ever taken my full-fare, non-discounted money. So, I write this without remuneration (or consent)!

Forgiving the Enemy

Nearly 15 years ago, Matthew Shepard, a University of Wyoming student, was lured from a local bar, robbed, tortured, tied to a fence and left to die. When his killer, Aaron McKinney, was up for the death penalty, it was Matthew Shepard’s mother, Judy, who prevailed upon the prosecutor to spare the killer’s life. The prosecutor later commented that he would never get over her capacity to forgive.

Forgive?! I grew up Catholic, so I thought of forgiveness as something only a priest can give after several “Hail Marys” and an “Our Father.” People sin, God (and his representatives on Earth) forgive. Forgiving, to me, meant absolving someone of his sins.

When I heard about Judy Shepard “forgiving” the killer of her child, I was taken aback. Does this now mean it is OK this person murdered her child? Not at all. It means something much more powerful.

Thankfully, there are few people in the world who can know the grief of a family whose child was taken from them in a tragic manner. But it is precisely from people like Judy Shepard that we can learn to move beyond the tragedies that have befallen us in the past.

All of us have been the victim of someone else’s misdeeds at one point or another. But depending on the severity of the deed, impact on the victim and time, some have let it go and some are still burdened.

When something bad has happened to us at the hands of another, there is no doubt we become a victim in that moment. But what happens after the physical damage from that other person has healed? When does the emotional healing begin?

In the previous article, I pondered past the point of being a victim into the state of victimhood. That is the state of being a perpetual victim and staying in a state of emotional resentment toward someone who hurt us in the past.

I often liken it to being knocked down while walking down a busy sidewalk. There are two responses—one illustrates being victimized in the moment, and one illustrates going beyond that and holding onto victimhood.

If someone were to knock you down, you would lay on the ground until someone helped you back up or until you had the strength to get up on our own. When you get up, you dust yourself off and continue on to your destination. You were a victim in the moment you were knocked down, and now the moment is gone. You move forward in your life despite the fall you took.

The advantage is that though you have taken a fall, you were only temporarily delayed on your journey along life’s path. You get up and continue on. The disadvantage is that few will recognize that you were hurt, including the person who knocked you down in the first place. If you were to talk about it, others might say, “Well it couldn’t have been that bad—just look at you now!”

But some people have a different response, staying on the ground. There are two reasons: 1) you are afraid to get up because you will be hurt again, and 2) you want to show the perpetrator—and the rest of the world—you were hurt and the damage that person did.

The advantage to staying down is that you are protected from future harm and are showing the world how much you’ve been damaged. The disadvantage to staying down is that it keeps you from moving on life’s path. By staying down, you are in fact in the perpetual state of victimhood.

If you have suffered repeated abuse or significant trauma, you are often trained to stay down. You learn that if you get up, you will be struck down again. So you learn an emotional style that both protects you from harm (depression/anxiety) and gives you some emotional strength to separate from your perpetrator (resentment/anger).

This emotional style probably works to limit harm while the perpetrator of the abuse is still around. But once the perpetrator is out of the picture, our primitive brains don’t want to let go, as this style has been protective in the past. The primitive brain thinks letting go would mean opening you up to future harm.

So how do you get up and get on with your life? It’s not as easy as this metaphor makes it sound. The way to get up is to lighten yourself of the emotional baggage—that depression, anxiety and resentment/anger—and be willing to face your fear of being vulnerable as you continue back along life’s path. All of that takes work.

It can be done in therapy or some other means, but it is usually a healing relationship with another person that helps the most. A bad relationship usually gets people into this mess, and a healing relationship (such as one with a therapist or another helpful person) can help get people out.

But what about the perpetrator? Isn’t that the person who should be doing the repair work? That would be ideal, but it is rare that someone is willing to admit they have significantly harmed another and make amends. Even when they do, the person who has been harmed still has to deal with his own emotional scars that a mere apology from the perpetrator cannot heal.

By Judy Shepard forgiving her son’s murderer, she was able let go of the negative emotions that tied her to Aaron McKinney and free herself up to remember her son with love. And that is the way out of victimhood—to let go of the resentment we have toward our perpetrator, unburden ourselves of our own depressive beliefs and willingly allow our vulnerability to be exposed once again as we get up and get on with the journey of our lives. This is what forgiveness is to me, but a think a better phrase may just be “letting go, getting up and moving on.”