Do you think you look fat in those skinny jeans? Better not tell people, because no one will like you—especially if you’re actually a skinny bitch! How do I know? Well, a study presented at the recent Midwestern Psychological Association by the Notre Dame Body Image and Eating Disorder Lab told me so. Impressive. So there.
You see, they lined up pictures of all sizes of women and paired them with positive statements such as, “I know I’m not perfect, but I love the way I look,” and some overly familiar negative statements like, “I can’t remember the last time I was happy with the way I looked.” Then they asked another group of ladies to rate them on likeability. You know what they found? (If you read the previous paragraph, you probably have a good idea.)
They found that the more the women trashed their bodies, the more the rater just wanted to put them in the trash. In other words, they found those negative nellies unlikeable, regardless of body size. It wasn’t just the hot-bodied bimbos who annoyed everyone when they insisted they were getting fat.
And who are the people that the raters liked best? The women that weren’t picture perfect but liked aspects of their looks anyway. Ta-dah! They liked the people who had pride! (You didn’t think you were going to get away without me mentioning that, did you?)
So, all of this made me wonder—if having pride about your body can make you more likeable, can having pride about one’s sexual orientation do the same thing? Well, I couldn’t find any studies (though I don’t think a single Google search counts as really looking). So, I am going to theorize based on my learned opinion. In other words, I am going to make it up and blame it on my schoolin’.
I believe there are two basic kinds of pride. First there is the bad kind—that is, having an inordinately high opinion of one’s self. My high school English teacher called this ‘false pride’ because it was a pride based on the delusion that one is better than other people. Living in L.A., we often get a daily dose of pompous poops who embody this concept. Other words might be conceit, arrogance or just plain old narcissism. It’s a fun fantasy to imagine these falsely prideful individuals encountering another type of pride (a group of lions). But, I digress.
Then there’s the good kind of pride. The kind we are celebrating this month. I hesitate to call it ‘true pride’—it’s too much like ‘true grit.’ But, when you consider that ‘grit’ refers to a firmness of character and indomitable spirit, it’s really kinda the same. The same kind of spirit that filled a small band of drag queens, bar flies and pissed-off passers-by to stick it to their oppressors who were trying to harass and arrest them at Stonewall in 1969. They embodied a true sense of pride that reflected self-respect and a dignified sense of what is due to them as fellow human beings.
I don’t know about you, but I am filled with awe when I think of these trailblazers. And so it goes when I meet people along the way that are just as truly proud of who they are and what they bring to the table.
Rather than thinking they are better or worse than others, they believe themselves to be equal. They even like themselves and like the very thing that has forced generations into the closet—their sexuality. They do not fear someone will ‘discover’ they are gay (or bi or trans) because they have come out of that musky closet and said it to the world. And when one no longer feels fear, they are immediately more at ease with others. You know what happens then? I like them more, and so do you.
You see, it’s not such a stretch from the study with body image. We like people who feel good about themselves (not fake good, but really, truly good), even if we perceive them to have flaws. So, even if other people perceive your sexuality as flawed, they will still look to you as to how to feel about you. If you express shame, they are more likely to agree and be ashamed of you. But if you express satisfaction with who you are, others are also more likely to agree and like you more as a result. How about that?
So if you want people to like you better (and who doesn’t?), stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up, look people in the eye and tell them something like, “I know I’m not perfect, but I love being gay (or bi or trans).” You just might like yourself better, too.
And while you’re at it, stop calling yourself fat!