When Does a Victim Stop Being a Victim?

As I share my story on L.A. Shrinks, it feels like I stand psychologically naked before a million viewers every Monday night on Bravo. And what surprises me most is that some of those people perceive me as a victim. But that is definitely not something I want to be! So it got me thinking, when does someone stop being a victim?

For those who haven’t seen the show, I will summarize my shame for you—like many out there, I lived in an atmosphere of abuse for most of my childhood. It was rough. Fortunately, it’s over.

Many people have had some emotional or physical assault befall them at one time or another. Even more gay and bisexual men and women share the history of being bullied, ‘coming out’ rejections or even the nightmare of gay bashing. It really is a tough world out there, and being gay can make it even tougher.

But before this article starts to move into downer territory, let me give an interesting research finding that may perk you up.

Robert-Paul Juster and his colleagues were able to demonstrate in a study highlighted in the January 2013 edition of the journal Psychosomatic Medicine that gay men and lesbians who come out of the closet have fewer psychiatric symptoms and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol than their closeted brothers and sisters. So coming out is a really good thing for your physical and mental health.

On top of that, it seems like gay men in particular have lower physiological stress levels than their straight counterparts. Overall, researchers are suggesting that all the stuff we go through may help us to develop better coping mechanisms. Apparently, us ‘out gays’ are a resilient people!

As a psychologist, I love to help people out of their problem pants and into a success skirt. Throw in some nice shoes and a matching handbag—well, you get the picture. Kind of like the Rachel Zoe of psychology, minus the pinchy voice.

But some people are stuck in their problem pants. They’ve gorged on self-pity, and now the pants are stuck on tight. Because they continually see their problems as due to another person, they see themselves as a perpetual victim. That means (to stretch this metaphor mercilessly) they can’t get those pants off without the help of the person who victimized them in the first place.

Now, I am not saying that being the victim is an incorrect characterization for some. When one is victimized, they can be rightly called a victim. But when does it stop? When do they stop playing that role?

When I think of that person who is stuck in the victimhood role, I think of the person who shows you their battle scars. Then they tell you how they have been compromised by their injury and that they have not gotten over it emotionally, and that it is negatively impacting many areas of their life for a significant amount of time. Then they tell you of the resentment toward another for having given it to them. That’s how you can tell they are holding onto victimhood—the resentment.

If you are in recovery, you already know my favorite saying about resentment: Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Though it is an effective emotion to keep you separated from another person, it’s just nasty—like emotional acid in your system.

When you blame others for your problems, you generally believe the solution must come from them as well. They caused it, and only they can fix it.

Now, this is easier said than done. The other person must first acknowledge what they did and that it’s wrong. Then they need to apologize and make amends. That last one is tough, because most victims can’t tell you what amends will work for them. But if the perpetrator can figure it out, all ostensibly becomes OK again.

There is little chance all of this will happen, at least not in a timely manner. If you wait for someone else to change before you do, I would pack a lunch, because it’s probably going to take a while.

Until then, it might be best to focus on yourself. This is when it’s good to make use of those advanced coping mechanisms that were so hard-won in the coming out process. But if you find it difficult to let go of resentment, you might be stuck in victimhood.

Next time, I’ll get you out of those victimhood problem pants and into a sassy survivor skirt. (I’m sure Jeff Probst would be proud.)

Tackling The Monday Morning Quarterback

Over and over, I hear people criticizing others for the choices they make in life. “They shouldn’t have done that! They should have done this!” Basically, people love to ‘Monday morning quarterback’ and take those moments to ‘should’ on those whom they perceive made the wrong choices.

Not surprisingly, I’ve been getting some of that as well. As people watch the heavily edited version of my life played back on Bravo, I get a lot of support and cheering on for things I did on the show—and I have received harsh criticism and concern about, well, other things I did on the show.

It’s almost as if people are watching my life unfold in real time, but like a Monday morning replay of a Sunday afternoon football game, that part of my life has already been played and there is nothing I can do at this point to change it. And believe me, this frustrates me too.

So this made me wonder: Why do we ‘Monday morning quarterback’? Now, I know what some of you are thinking—”I’m gay, I don’t watch football!” To which I would answer that you are generalizing, because some gay men do watch and love football.

And besides, who doesn’t like a good tight end? But I digress.

The technical name for ‘Monday morning quarterbacking’ is called “Hindsight Bias.” (I know, again with talking about hinds!) The problem with hindsight bias is that it can lead you to unfairly judge another person (or team) for their actions, when they may have made an honest—even unavoidable—mistake. Yes, a genuine mistake.

When we look at those who committed an action we disapprove of, we often can think of several other options that would have led to a better outcome (or so we think). If the team had only done one of those play thingies, they most certainly would have gotten the extra touchdown to win the game. If Janet Jackson had not been doing tequila shooters with Justin Timberlake after an afternoon of going through the bargain bin at the local TJ Maxx when she suddenly proclaimed “I have a great idea,” she wouldn’t have had a wardrobe malfunction. And if I had known that so many people would be upset that I had lunch with my father on my reality show, I probably would have had dinner.

The reason people ‘Monday morning quarterback’ is simple—they already know the outcome. They know how things turned out, so they get an inflated sense of their own foresight and claim they saw it coming. All the while, as these after-the-face experts are using their Hindsight Bias, they are neglecting the confusion and the fog that may have steered the other person to the series of decisions that led to that unfortunate outcome.

Just think of the Oscars. If you filled out one of those Oscar ballots at a home party, then you got to see in vivid detail that you weren’t as insightful as you thought. But if you’re at the same party and don’t fill one out, you may be tempted to think you would have guessed more winners than you actually would have. Once the envelope has been opened, we forget about the wrong answer and gravitate toward what we now know is the right one.

According to a recent study by Colin Camerer and Shinsuke Shimojo in the online journal Psychological Science, hindsight bias likely stems from the fact that when given new information, the brain tends to file away the old data and ignore it. Once we know the outcome of a decision or event, we can’t easily retrieve those now old and incorrect files, so we can’t accurately evaluate something after the fact.

So there you go—none of us is really that smart until we know the outcome of the event. Thus, you will continue to have football teams make the wrong plays, singers losing their tops (or at least claiming it was a mistake when they thought it would be a good idea at the time) and people like me on Bravo reality shows stepping in poop and then having it repeated on a loop 100 times over before they can scrape it off their metaphorical shoe.

So the next time you are tempted to tell somebody what they should have done in a situation that did not turn out well, put your hand on that person’s back and tell them the painful truth—”If I had been in that situation, I probably would have done the same thing too.”

Tackling The Monday Morning Quarterback

Over and over, I hear people criticizing others for the choices they make in life. “They shouldn’t have done that! They should have done this!” Basically, people love to ‘Monday morning quarterback’ and take those moments to ‘should’ on those whom they perceive made the wrong choices.

Not surprisingly, I’ve been getting some of that as well. As people watch the heavily edited version of my life played back on Bravo, I get a lot of support and cheering on for things I did on the show—and I have received harsh criticism and concern about, well, other things I did on the show.

It’s almost as if people are watching my life unfold in real time, but like a Monday morning replay of a Sunday afternoon football game, that part of my life has already been played and there is nothing I can do at this point to change it. And believe me, this frustrates me too.

So this made me wonder: Why do we ‘Monday morning quarterback’? Now, I know what some of you are thinking—”I’m gay, I don’t watch football!” To which I would answer that you are generalizing, because some gay men do watch and love football.

And besides, who doesn’t like a good tight end? But I digress.

The technical name for ‘Monday morning quarterbacking’ is called “Hindsight Bias.” (I know, again with talking about hinds!) The problem with hindsight bias is that it can lead you to unfairly judge another person (or team) for their actions, when they may have made an honest—even unavoidable—mistake. Yes, a genuine mistake.

When we look at those who committed an action we disapprove of, we often can think of several other options that would have led to a better outcome (or so we think). If the team had only done one of those play thingies, they most certainly would have gotten the extra touchdown to win the game. If Janet Jackson had not been doing tequila shooters with Justin Timberlake after an afternoon of going through the bargain bin at the local TJ Maxx when she suddenly proclaimed “I have a great idea,” she wouldn’t have had a wardrobe malfunction. And if I had known that so many people would be upset that I had lunch with my father on my reality show, I probably would have had dinner.

The reason people ‘Monday morning quarterback’ is simple—they already know the outcome. They know how things turned out, so they get an inflated sense of their own foresight and claim they saw it coming. All the while, as these after-the-face experts are using their Hindsight Bias, they are neglecting the confusion and the fog that may have steered the other person to the series of decisions that led to that unfortunate outcome.

Just think of the Oscars. If you filled out one of those Oscar ballots at a home party, then you got to see in vivid detail that you weren’t as insightful as you thought. But if you’re at the same party and don’t fill one out, you may be tempted to think you would have guessed more winners than you actually would have. Once the envelope has been opened, we forget about the wrong answer and gravitate toward what we now know is the right one.

According to a recent study by Colin Camerer and Shinsuke Shimojo in the online journal Psychological Science, hindsight bias likely stems from the fact that when given new information, the brain tends to file away the old data and ignore it. Once we know the outcome of a decision or event, we can’t easily retrieve those now old and incorrect files, so we can’t accurately evaluate something after the fact.

So there you go—none of us is really that smart until we know the outcome of the event. Thus, you will continue to have football teams make the wrong plays, singers losing their tops (or at least claiming it was a mistake when they thought it would be a good idea at the time) and people like me on Bravo reality shows stepping in poop and then having it repeated on a loop 100 times over before they can scrape it off their metaphorical shoe.

So the next time you are tempted to tell somebody what they should have done in a situation that did not turn out well, put your hand on that person’s back and tell them the painful truth—”If I had been in that situation, I probably would have done the same thing too.”

Forget Me Not

What do you do when you screw up and forget? What if you forget your partner’s birthday, your anniversary or (goddess-forbid) their court date? Unfortunately, I have had to answer this question for myself more than a few times. Well, not the court date one (those are tough to forget).

Screw-ups seem to go with the territory in relationships. Like two sides of a coin, if you are going to be together with someone and fulfill their wishes, you are also going to end up pulling away or pushing against them and making them miserable.

Oh, I am not saying that misery is a forgone conclusion in a relationship. At least, not the new ones. Relationships in the beginning stages seem to have few problems. Every quirk and bad habit seems cute and endearing. If some misstep happens, the loving couple looks at each other longingly and everything seems to be OK again.

But as time rolls on, those little quarks get annoying, and those habits really do seem bad. Conflict becomes a part of every relationship, and it is how the couple handles that conflict that will either bring them closer or tear them apart. If you are with someone long enough, you are going to have a little—or a lot—of both.

Most conflicts in relationships are due to some obvious misstep by one or some misperception of the other. One person does something and the other gets in a huff. But there is no misstep like forgetting. The person who is on the ‘forgotten about’ side experiences neglect and can feel lost, alone or even betrayed.

So how can you remember? I mean, the obvious thing is to put your dates in a calendar. The electronic calendars on your computer or phone also have settings for reminder alerts. I like those, because you can set them for a week out, which gives you time to order online and have a present in your hand by the date. That’s been my go-to.

There are other nifty memory strategies. Tying the date to another date is good. My partner’s birthday is near Valentine’s Day. When I start seeing pink hearts appearing everywhere, I know I need to start doing some shopping (or get antipsychotic medication). My birthday is in the fall, right after school starts. So back-to-school ads mean I have to start dropping casual hints, such as giving my partner a catalogue number and a 20 percent-off coupon.

There is also software like “Remember the Task” and “Secure Reminder,” and most flower services allow you to register important dates and will send you an email to remind you to buy their product. I could go on, but this is not about what to do to prevent the problem, rather what to do once you have it.

First thing, forgive yourself. Everyone does it. In fact, if you have a normal brain, then you will forget things you perceive to be trivial or irrelevant so you can retain other more important things. This was even demonstrated in a Stanford University study published in Nature Neuroscience in 2007. Scientists were able to show that by forgetting irrelevant information we can remember relevant stuff better.

Now, before you start honking at me that birthdays and anniversaries are relevant, I’ll honk back that they may not be relevant to what is going on at the moment. If you have a lot of stress at work, a loved one who is ill or the IRS is breathing down your neck, your brain may selectively focus on the stress of the moment versus the mundane of everyday life. It’s the brain’s way of conserving energy and maximizing efficiency.

But just like those annoying hybrid drivers who slow the flow of traffic to squeeze out an extra mile per gallon, the brain slows the flow of information to focus on the stress at hand.

The next thing to do is immediately take corrective action. Don’t get defensive; don’t pretend nothing happened; don’t play the victim yourself and blame it on the taxman.

When you get called out, immediately take responsibility and say “I’m sorry.”

I know—two words that may not seem like they mean very much, but they do. They are also two words that seem to be difficult for a lot of people to say. If that is you, then you need to practice in front of the mirror. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Saying it does not mean you are weak—it means you are taking responsibility, and that takes strength. And being strong and taking responsibility you must.

Acknowledge your mistake, apologize and make it better. Still buy that gift, sign that card and take him out to dinner—and set up a reminder for next year. Everyone makes mistakes, but the real mistake is not to learn from them.

Dr. Greg Cason is Not Your Everyday Therapist

Would you trust a therapist with problems? I ponder this as I am on the precipice of my show L.A. Shrinks about to appear on Bravo. It’s of deep concern to me. This show doesn’t just seek to show therapy, it seeks to show therapists. And, being that therapists are human beings, they are therapists with human problems. But I wonder if the issue is the therapist with problems or the expectation that therapists don’t have them.

There is no doubt that when we know someone’s profession, we often look at him or her as if they should reflect that profession at all times. It is just a bit off-putting to see a physician who smokes, a chef who indulges in TV dinners or an off-duty cop who runs red lights. We tend to see people in terms of their professions and expect them to act accordingly. But is that really fair? Does breaking another person’s expectations of how a professional should act in his off-time mean that he is somehow less qualified to be in that profession?

My own profession—psychology, for instance—does expect that those who are licensed psychologists lead law-abiding lives. I can go along with that. It’s awfully difficult to have a thriving private practice from the inside of a jail cell. But the profession is also concerned about private behavior that may impact one’s professional life negatively. Drug and alcohol abuse qualify. Running a brothel would certainly be of concern. So, the truth is, that there are expectations about one’s personal life even from within the profession.

L.A. Shrinks not only depicts what goes on in the offices of three Los Angeles area experts, but also shows what goes on in their personal lives outside of the therapy room. All seems fine and good until you see that our personal lives have some real meat, and that we deal with some of the very issues our clients also struggle with.

The thing is, I—and most of us who go into this profession—had issues of my own to which I sought answers. Therapists were human beings long before they ever sought any education or training. And hopefully they remain human beings above any titles, degrees or certifications.

I am always a little amazed (and a little sickened) by those therapists who continue to take a “therapeutic stance” with relationships outside of the office. You know the ones. The therapists who always dress in comforting clothing and listen intently to someone else, pausing only to ask a probing question while not volunteering any feelings or personal struggles of their own. Maybe they punctuate the exchange with a “hmm” and expressions of deep understanding and a slight air of superiority. Whenever I talk with one of these therapists (and there are an unusual amount of them), I feel as if I am being silently judged while I answer their open-ended questions with their heads nodding up and down slowly. If I didn’t do therapy myself, I might think this person is taking a special interest in me. But I know better.

I know this therapist is unwilling to meet me as a fellow traveler in the world who laughs, cries and occasionally watches internet porn. Creepy. No, not the fact that they watch internet porn, but the fact they won’t admit to it or anything else. If you had a therapist who was blameless, how could you expect that person to relate to what you are going through?

Call me newfangled, but I want a therapist who is a joy to be around outside of the therapy office even though I will probably never meet them there. I want a therapist who will belly up to the bar and buy a round of drinks, laugh the loudest at an off-color joke and sometimes forget his or her anniversary. Hmm. Maybe that is not really what I want but who I want to be. I will have to work on that. (Except for the anniversary part, I have that one down.)

But, what I want is not really the question. Maybe the question is, can I be the type of therapist other people want? I did not become a psychologist because I had all the answers. Far from it. I became a psychologist because I had a lot of questions. Questions like, why are we here? What is love? And how do I get my partner to do everything I want while I stand by and don’t lift a finger? Needless to say, I am still working on those.

And, though I promise to give answers to things I know about, you will soon see there are things I don’t. I step in it and make mistakes. But what I can say is that I also practice what I preach, and I can tell you what has worked and what doesn’t. So will you trust a therapist with problems? I hope so, because all of them do. The only difference with me is I can assure you that I will find the answer alongside of you and not pretend I don’t know what it’s like to struggle too.