5 (Not So) Shocking Sex Secrets of Gay Men

Sexual preferences and the way we see ourselves as sexual beings can be different for all of us, but a study just published in the October 2015 issue of The Counseling Psychologist by Elder, Morrow and Books reveals that gay men have some surprising and sometimes disturbing patterns. (Caution: This was a tiny study and needs to be replicated on a bigger scale, but it starts to show that gays may be a little less open-minded than we’d like to think.) Here are some of the study’s findings.

1. “Straight-acting” is still preferred. Most gay men described feminine mannerisms to be unattractive. Call it femme-phobic, heterosexist or just a hunger for testosterone, but gays apparently like men who butch it up. Traits considered traditionally “masc” are especially desired, like a masculine style of dress and making direct eye contact, as well as mannerisms like slower, less dramatic hand-movements and holding one’s head steady and forward.

2. Porn is like home-schooling for sex. Most gay men in the study described learning the ins and outs of gay sex at home by watching porn during adolescence. Pornography not only demonstrated the ‘how-to’s of certain sexual acts but also normalized the idea of physical intimacy with another man. But porn didn’t leave the best impression on everyone. Because most of the major porn studios feature white performers, those of other ethnicities were often troubled by the lack of porn depicting men of their racial background—especially Asian Pacific Islander, Native American and Indian men.

3. Gay men keep their feelings to themselves. Overall, gay men described emotional expression as less attractive than men who clamp down on their feelings. Latino and black men were more likely to say their cultures were intolerant of emotional expression than whites. On a positive note, Native American and Pacific Islanders described greater acceptance of emotional expression than the majority. The reason some like an emotional straightjacket? Feelings are considered too feminine. (See number one.)

4. Hot guys have it best. No surprise here. Being physically attractive is supremely important in the gay male community.  It’s like money, and can not only buy you hot sexual partners and eventual relationships, but it also gives you access to better jobs, swankier parties and unique advantages that most don’t realize they have until their looks start to fade. The study found that a man’s most attractive feature was his face or facial features, like his eyes or smile. A muscular and fit body, deep voice, self-assured gait and body hair all followed suit. Most non-whites in the study described white men as the most desirable, but say they have difficulty finding white men because of the perception that white guys only date other white men.

5. Gay men do sexual charity work. Every study subject admitted to one-time sex with someone they did not find attractive. While possibly good for the recipient, it didn’t always leave the best feeling with the “volunteer.” The common reason? Most described it as “charity work” because they didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings by rejecting him.

This study is not definitive, but it was well-done and gives us a window into ourselves that may not always be comfortable. It was done with a Midwestern sample between 22 and 50 years old (the mean age being 34). Half the sample was white, and half were various other ethnicities.

The study does show that as progressive as we’d like to think we are, we may have a longer road to travel before we get to that “post-racial” and “post-gender” world we keep hearing about. Until then, we may need to examine some of our own attitudes while understanding that some of our preferences may not be easy to shake.

7 Simple Steps of a Diet-Free Diet

Swimsuit-optional season is upon us, also known as Halloween! Tons of boys want to take advantage of the gay-sacred holiday to draw as many admirers as possible by showing muscled skin rather than bulky shrouds. But getting there is no picnic—no sugar, no alcohol, no carbs, no fun! Eating becomes a minefield, with every meal a chance to explode—or rather, expand—your hard work.

Rather than watching what you eat, watch how you eat. Here are some surprising ways to trick your brain into eating less and burning more by simply changing your behavior, without drugs, shame or rice cakes.

1. Use a smaller plate. Reducing your plate size from 12 to 10 inches typically results in 22% less calories served, as the smaller plate makes a normal serving seem more filling according to The Smaller Plate Study. But don’t go too small! Once plate size went below 9.5 inches people realized they were tricking themselves and went back for more.

2. Use a tall, narrow glass. To avoid overpouring, this works for alcohol (the bane of every diet) as well as juice, sodas and sweet teas. People pour an average of 30% more into the short-wide glass than the tall-slender glass, according to a 2005 British Medical Journal study.

3. Sit down. Eating on the run will trick you into eating more, according to a study done by the University of Surrey. Participants who walked around while eating ate more and chose unhealthier snacks than those who sat down. So sit down, shut off your electronic gizmos and pay attention to your food as you eat.

4. Slow down. It takes approximately 20 minutes from the time you start eating for your brain to send out signals of fullness. A study presented at the North American Association for the Study of Obesity showed that overweight people took in fewer calories when they slowed their normal eating pace. Try these three moves: (1) Put your fork and knife down between bites. (2) Chew and swallow all of the food in your mouth before putting in any more. (3) Put on slow or soft music. It will dampen your pace, and you will have a more leisurely meal without even trying.

5. Eat alone. When people eat solo, they pay more attention to their food, eating less and making better choices. If you do want to eat with someone, pick someone with healthy eating habits. People tend to mirror the order, serving size and eating pace of their dining companion.

6. Track your food. Keeping a food diary may double your weight loss. Researchers at Kaiser Permanente studied 1,685 overweight adults and had them record what they ate. After 20 weeks, those who didn’t keep a food diary lost about nine pounds, while those who recorded their food intake lost 18 pounds—twice as much as those who didn’t track any food.

7. Fast for a half-day. Salk researchers compared mice that were allowed to eat whenever they wanted with mice that could only eat eight to nine hours per day (fasting the other 15-16 hours). The fasting mice were less likely to be obese, even though their total calorie intake was exactly the same. For humans, researchers suggest a nightly fast of 10-12 hours might do the same without changing daily calorie intake. A lengthy nighttime fast appears to “reset” a circadian clock disturbed by 24/7 feeding and drives up the body’s ability to burn off extra calories.

Big Gay Love: Exploring the Underbelly of Gay Polyamory

You now have the right to marry the one you love … everywhere in the United States! But what if you love two people? Or more? That is the question at hand for the estimated half-million polyamorous relationships in the country.

Talking about polyamory so soon after the marriage victory may seem odd. The notion also fans the flames of the far right, which argued all along that gay marriage was a “slippery slope” that would one day include those in “throuples” and animal-lovers. Still, I had to wonder about those in our community who might feel left out of the SCOTUS decision.

According to the polyamory support organization Loving More, “Polyamory refers to romantic love with more than one person, honestly, ethically and with the full knowledge and consent of all concerned.” Polyamory doesn’t include people who deceive, cheat and lie about outside relationships; we have different words for them.

Sexual non-exclusivity is common in gay relationships (some studies estimate 50-67% of gay and 30% of lesbian relationships), and this has long been the bugaboo of conservatives advocating against gay marriage. They worried that if gays got the right to marry, their “gay ways” would infect the institution of marriage and housewives would set up Tupperware orgies. But so far, it seems the ones changing are not heteros but homos.

According to a 2009 University of Iowa study, marriage tends to have a “traditionalizing” effect among same-gender couples. One example: it appears the person perceived as the relationship’s female role determines who does the household labor—a finding that doesn’t hold true with gay couples not legally married.

It is difficult to give a uniform depiction of polyamory. Many watched Big Love on HBO or Polyamory: Married and Dating on Showtime, but those shows featured hetero groups. Similar relationships exist in the gay community, the most common being the throuple, which are often a long-term couple adding a third partner at a later date. Of course, throuples aren’t the only expression; the possibilities are endless.

The poly life is not for everyone. Those who thrive in poly situations tend to be more creative, non-conforming and individualistic, less concerned about the opinions of others and are more focused on following their own values and ethics. They also often have the character trait of “compersion.” The opposite of jealousy, it refers to a feeling of delight when your partner experiences the joy of intimacy with another.

But of course there are also downsides, the most obvious being social disapproval and discrimination. Poly people can be rejected by friends and family, and can be fired from their jobs if they reveal their unconventional lifestyle. This leads many to keep their relationship(s) secret, which can cause more stress and strain on the person and the relationship. Another common problem is dealing with increased time demands.

Perhaps the biggest problem is that poly relationships have all the same problems as any other relationship (though multiplied and often amplified). Unless those involved are skilled at communication and emotional management, things can turn quickly from polyamory to polyagony!

Currently there is no legal recognition for polyamorous relationships, and attempts to marry a second person are strictly prohibited in most Western nations. The Netherlands allows poly couples to enter into legally binding arrangements called Samenlevingscontract, but that isn’t quite equivalent to marriage. Countries that do allow polygamy have cultures distinctly different from the U.S. (Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Singapore), and the practice is primarily found within Muslim culture. Homosexuality is also banned in most of those same countries.

Don’t expect the right wing’s “slippery slope” argument to be realized anytime soon.  Even Justice Kennedy’s SCOTUS decision mentions “fidelity” as a basis of marriage. Still, as gay women and men get married in all 50 states and same-sex unions become increasingly accepted, it may signal a time when those in poly relationships are able to live more openly and enjoy acceptance, especially from our own community.

Will Asexuals Be the Next Contingent in Our Annual Pride Parades?

Bruce Jenner’s courageous interview with Diane Sawyer may have been a turning point in transgender awareness throughout the nation. It was good for gays, too, as it discussed the difference between being homosexual and transgender. As Sawyer noted, gender and sexual orientation are two different things—gender is who you go to bed as, sexual orientation is who you go to bed with. But what if you do not experience sexual attraction to anyone? Where do you fit in?

There is one sexual orientation so hidden that it doesn’t even show up in the LGBT acronym—those who identify as “asexual.” Asexuality is considered a lack of sexual attraction to either sex, however, someone who is asexual can be romantically attracted to men, women, both or neither. According to a 2004 study by Bogart published in The Journal of Sex Research, approximately 1% of the population identifies as asexual.

Now, many of us have had periods of no sex, either by choice or force of circumstances, but that does not make one asexual. Many in that situation—priests, prisoners, medical patients—will tell you they still have sexual thoughts and desires but are simply unable to act on them, and after a while the lack of sexual behavior leads to fewer thoughts and desires, making it easier to manage. But that still does not make them asexual. What makes an asexual is biology, not circumstance.

Perhaps the biggest problem for those who are asexual is getting others to understand them. Most can’t fathom not desiring something so many of us crave. To make matters a bit more complicated for those who like to put people in boxes, asexual folks can also identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.

A person could identify as an “asexual lesbian,” meaning that she identifies herself as a female in gender and has a romantic attraction to women but has no desire to have sex. She could even be a “transgender asexual lesbian” meaning she was born into the body of a male but identifies as female, has romantic attractions to other females but has no desire to have sex. This can be very tough to explain in a world where sex is everywhere.

Television, movies, magazines, billboards and the internet all present sex on a daily basis. Gay events like circuit parties, L.A.’s annual Halloween carnival and Pride festivities are often an excuse to wear very little and end with “meeting” as many people as possible. All of this can be a rather nice thing to those of us interested in sex, but it is a daily reminder to those who are asexual that they are “different”—much the same way gays are reminded they are different by stepping out into a world that is mostly heterosexual.

That difference can present a whole set of problems for the person who is asexual, especially in the health care and mental health fields, where sex and sexuality are often part of the discussion. Though they may admit to their health care providers that they are not currently having sex, most will not identify as asexual for fear of prejudice and pathologizing by their provider.

For years, a lack of sexual attraction has been viewed as abnormal by both the health care community and society. It’s often seen as symptomatic of a mental or physical illness, including a history of abuse or sexual trauma. With the additional pathology of those who enjoy frequent sexual encounters and porn (i.e., the overuse of “sexual addiction”), it almost seems like many in society, including the gay world, take the “Goldilocks approach” to sexuality—it has to be “just right” to be acceptable. But what is “just right”?

Relationships can also present special problems. Asexuals who desire romantic relationships are often confronted with a lack of understanding. Their partners demand that they “fix the problem,” and friends and family keep telling them they just need to meet the right man or woman. Those who do not even desire romantic relationships are constantly being asked “why?” by everyone. Still, there are some advantages.

From an evolutionary standpoint, maybe nature knows what it’s doing when making some people asexual. Not only does being asexual limit population growth, there’s also no chance of getting a sexually transmitted infection. As a result, asexual people may be able to support society when others are compromised by STDs or the burdens of raising a family.

Though it may not be the last sexual orientation we hear about, it may be the next. Phoenix Gay Pride had an asexual contingent in its parade; will L.A. be next?

If you consider yourself asexual or are just curious about asexuality, it would be good to get yourself connected and educated. The 2011 movie (A)sexual shows several people living out and proud as asexuals. Another great resource is the website asexuality.org, or you can look up the group AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network). And if you are not asexual, it might be good to expand your horizons of understanding—you know, the way you’ve asked your heterosexual bretheren to do with you.

Killer Queens Walk Among us

From top: Glenn Close as bunny-boiler Alex Forrest in 1987’s ‘Fatal Attraction’; Andrew Cunanan; John Wayne Gacy; Aileen Wuornos

 Psychopaths walk among us. At bars, on Scruff, in AA meetings, lounging by your pool. Invisible monsters hidden in plain sight. You already know them—they have good looks, magnetic personalities, charming demeanors and sexual chemistry—and they are everywhere. But if you get too close, you may also know the pain of callous heartbreak, empty bank accounts, bruises covering your body and personal shame.

Some famous gay psychopaths include GianniVersace assassin Andrew Cunanan, killer clown John Wayne Gacy and Milwaukee cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, but most aren’t killers in the literal sense, though they are destructive. The newest such candidate may be porn actor Jarec Wentworth, who is currently facing prison time for allegedly extorting $500,000 and a car from a “client.”

Not to be mixed up with “psychotic,” meaning someone who is out of touch with reality, psychopaths are a distinct breed of human who are in touch with reality and know right from wrong but choose to do bad things anyway. They just don’t care.

Diagnosing Psychopathy

Little is written about the world of gay psychopaths, but world-renowned expert Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., who wrote Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us, can give us a few clues on what to look for. Sometimes called a sociopath or someone with antisocial personality disorder, a psychopath is known for his striking lack of conscience, and his game is self-gratification at your expense. Dr. Hare divides symptoms of psychopathy into two major areas.

First are emotional and interpersonal symptoms. Maybe he’s glib and superficial, egocentric and grandiose, has a lack of remorse or guilt, a lack of empathy or is deceitful and manipulative. The second is social deviance. Is he impulsive or reactive to personal insults? Does he refuse to take responsibility for his actions or display antisocial behavior (stealing, destroying property, hurting and controlling people)?

Now, before you go diagnosing your frenemies, realize that a pure psychopath is like a magician who can cloak his evil intentions to admirers so he can rob them blind. Victims will only realize what hit them after the fact. Besides, you need to be a qualified expert to make a diagnosis, and even they are sometimes fooled.

Psychopathic Shades of Grey

Most people have maybe one or two of those above traits, but what if someone you know appears to have more but not all of them? Ronald Schouten and James Silver refer to those men as “almost psychopaths.” Though 1% of the population qualifies as a psychopath, these scientists estimate 15% are “almost psychopaths.” These people aren’t quite as rotten, nor are they as well-behaved and emotionally grounded as everyone else. Still, they will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

The “almost psychopath” may not end up in prison, but he can manipulate you to pay his rent, take him out to lavish dinners and buy him expensive gifts. Don’t worry, though—he’ll repay all loans (no he won’t) and pick up dinner next time (dream on). Unfortunately, he’s often good in bed.

Psychopaths (and most “almost psychopaths”) have an uncanny ability to find out what you need emotionally and give it to you. They will recognize your hangups and self-doubts and turn them to their advantage. Victims end up abused before they are left emotionally, physically and financially drained.

How do you spot one? You probably can’t. Sure, certain professions—the drug trade, sex industry and nightclub scene—might have a higher number of psychopaths, but don’t fool yourself, they’re everywhere. When the symptoms of psychopathy are finally recognized, many love-hungry guys disregard or even admire them. The psychopath’s lack of fear, extreme self-centeredness and refusal to follow rules is sometimes seen as an expression of manliness and virility.

You Love a Psychopath. Now What?

If you confront a psychopath about his behavior, you’re going to be met with denial and defensiveness, and he’ll probably turn the blame on you. If he’s an “almost psychopath,” there may be some hope of salvaging things, providing he’s willing to accept responsibility and show real change.

If there is abuse of any kind (physical, emotional or financial), you need to get out immediately or it will only get worse. But be prepared—a psychopath can even convince everyone around you that he was the real victim and that you abused him.

Most importantly, don’t blame yourself. Just get out while you can, and seek professional help—not because there’s something wrong with you but because you’ll need a voice of sanity to support and guide you through. There is no satisfying way out, and the longer you wait, the more he will take until there’s nothing left but your trampled heart and wallet.

The 6 Times of Year You’re Most Likely to Get Dumped

It seems the first quarter of 2015 was one big breakup fest. I’ve been seeing several clients and know several friends who just had a breakup, were in the middle of a breakup or are considering a breakup. Is our gay world just not safe for relationships anymore?

When are the most common times to be dumped? A couple of British brainiacs, David McCandless and Lee Byron, did a study on just that by looking at Facebook status updates, and the duo published their findings in a book very unsexily called The Visual Miscellaneum (say that five times fast).

Here’s the bad news: Right now we are in peak season. The good news: It will be over soon.

For your convenience, here are six popular times when couples break up. This should be especially helpful to the anxiety-prone and chronically insecure who like to be especially vigilant to every slight and failed connection. Here they are in my own haphazard order:

1. The Pre-Spring Fling

The first few weeks of March are the worst (or should I say best?) time for breaking up a relationship. This is the biggie—the most common time to visit Splitsville. Most guys don’t want to be jerks, so they play nice on Valentine’s Day and then drop the ax shortly thereafter. Sometimes the pressure built up during a couple’s Feb. 14 signals a need to escape. If you look at the stats, there’s a steady climb in breakup status updates from Valentine’s until the first day of spring, when there’s a sudden drop in breakups until…

2. April ‘You’re The Fool’ Day

I don’t make this stuff up. I can only hope that these are prank status updates (it would be the day for it), but April 1 seems to signal a significant blip in relationship pink slips. If you were lucky enough to make it through March without incidence but you’re relationship is on shaky ground, duck and cover.

3. This Is Why I Don’t Like Mondays

After April Fools day, things coast at a moderate level, but like heart attacks and job layoffs, relationship splits happen more on Mondays. Again, I go with the pressure theory. The pressure of a new week strains frail relationships, and if someone wants that pressure to end, they break it off. Also, men like to distract themselves with work. Knowing he has a week of work ahead and then a free weekend to look forward to will help the breaker get through. Of course, it devastates the breakee, but that’s another story. Other bad times are just before major events or out-of-town getaways, when it’s most likely the breaker wants to get his slut on.

4. Summer No-Lovin’

The end of June through mid-July is the next “hot spot.” Shirts are coming off, abs are getting shredded and eyes start wandering to something that might appear better (though you and I know he’s seeing a relationship mirage). Temptation is hard to resist.

Unfortunately, some unlucky souls will find themselves going home alone from pool parties. Now, some good news: If your relationship lasted through July, your chance of a breakup stays relatively low for most of August and September. Enjoy the relative calm during this time.

5. The Pre-Christmas Sail Away

Though the pressures of the holiday season show a steady climb in breakups throughout November, the peak comes just after the Thanksgiving feast and continues for the first two weeks of the Christmas season. The single lowest day for breakups is Christmas Day. It seems that if your relationship made it through the shopping season, you’re home free, so bask in it.

6. Valentine’s Day Massacre

It seems like we’re back where we started. Unfortunately, Feb. 14—a day when love is supposed to be celebrated—puts pressure on frail relationships. Sometimes the pressure of a relationship simply becomes too strong, and when guys don’t have release, the whole thing blows. Since we have nearly a year before the next Valentine’s Day, plan on taking the pressure off your partner. Ask for nothing, appreciate everything and make a special night of something he likes. Things might actually go well … for a couple of weeks, anyway.

5 Techniques Guaranteed to Have your Relationship Running Good as New

In my previous column I helped you navigate some of the trickiest conflict situations in relationships. Now hold on to your socks, because I’m going to show you some handy-dandy things that can perk up any relationship—even when your partner is just as ‘over it’ as you are. After a little while, the infatuation fades and cracks start to appear. No, not the cracks in his face—actual problems in the relationship you either never noticed or you did notice, but they were just beginning to bug you. Those little annoyances can turn into arguments, but fear not—conflict isn’t a bad thing in relationships. Au contraire, conflict can help a couple work out difficulties and come back to better understand each other, which actually strengthens the bond.

Let’s face it—every relationship needs a jumpstart once in a while. But there are five things you can do to get those motors running again, and they don’t even include sex. But a word of caution: they may lead to it. Forget about fixing every problem or making things dramatically different with your partner. As we’ve discussed before, 69% of conflicts are irresolvable, and your partner ain’t gonna change unless he damn well wants to. So if you want to get your balls rolling, you’ll need to take this relationship bull by the horns.

Now, these techniques did not just come out of my own little brain. They’re based on sound research by the preeminent relationship researchers out of the University of Washington, John and Julie Gottman. (I know, they’re a straight couple, but they really do know their shit.)

1. Pick His BrainRemember how nice it feels when someone finds you fascinating? Well, your partner likes it, too. You may think you know your partner, but the truth is he’s an endless well of fascinating information.

Suggestion: Ask your partner his dreams for now and the future? If you already know… get more details. If you don’t know his dreams, shame on you. This is the man you love. The best way you can love him back is to help him become the man he dreams about.

2. Give Him PropsYou’re probably already in the habit of catching your partner’s mistakes. Reverse that trend. Start scanning the environment for what your partner is doing right. Build a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection and respect.

Suggestion: Call out something your partner does particularly well. Cooking? Decorating? Bringing home the bacon? Pay attention to what your partner is doing well and call it out. And if you can’t get your mouth to operate in compliment mode, then write a heartfelt note. Do it so much that you get a writer’s cramp.

3. Make DepositsNo, not there (like I said, that’s later). These are “emotional bank account” deposits. In the first article of theis series I pointed out that happy couples have five positive interactions for every negative interaction. The key is to build a big, fat bank account of good stuff so that when the inevitable negatives happen, you have a lot of good to draw on.

Suggestion: Try the “Yes, and…” approach. (I stole this from improv comedy, but it’s not for laughs—it builds relationships.) When your partner is talking about some matter, listen for a point of agreement and add to it, even if you hold a different point of view. If you really get stumped, just say, “That’s a good point.” Works every time.

4. Realize His DreamsI’m always surprised when couples who have been together for long periods of time sometimes do not know what the other wants in life or needs in a relationship. They can often give surface details like job goals, generally human desires and favorite foods. But when a partner knows what really drives the other, either in career, relationship or just in life, he or she can take steps to make those dreams come true. By doing so, you offer the purest gift of love.

Suggestion: Go back to that dream discussion you had with your partner and find one thing to focus on. If it’s going to see Lady Gaga recreate her Academy Awards triumph, start planning the trip. If it’s to get an Academy Award, urge him to enroll in acting class. Be both the catalyst and the support, even if it goes against your grain. He will love you for it.

5. Bond Over Good TimesAs a couple moves through time together, it is important that you have ways to encapsulate your lives in the stories you tell one another, the pictures you share, your beliefs, experiences and legacy.

Suggestion: Find an old photograph from a happy time of the two of you together and show it to your partner. Reminisce about the good times. If you are camera shy, go to a restaurant, nightclub or cruising spot the two of you used to share. Relive some memories.

Try each one of these things with your partner, but don’t just do them once. These are meant to be ongoing, and they will help you build a solid foundation to your relationship, whether it’s strong or could use some shoring up. If you ever forget what to do, number 2 is the big one to remember.

Gays may be good at bitchy comments, but to keep a relationship, you’ll need to be better at bitchin’ compliments. (OK, I tried my best to make that work.) According to a study of 5,000 couples by Open University in the UK, showing appreciation emerged as one of the most important factors in keeping a relationship healthy. That should never take longer than a few seconds, and it will help your relationship last a lifetime.

Off the Couch: Avoid the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

Don’t you miss the first year of your relationship? Especially the first few months? During that time it was all possibilities and wonder. You were just getting to know your partner, dreaming of a future together. The first stage of any relationship is about bonding. It forms the glue that will hold you together for when the relationship rubber meets the road. Some liken it to a drug, and there’s even a 12-step program for it. Still, it’s intoxicating; it all seems so right. But then it starts to go wrong….

After a little while, the infatuation fades and cracks start to appear. No, not the cracks in his face—actual problems in the relationship you either never noticed or you did notice, but they were just beginning to bug you. Those little annoyances can turn into arguments, but fear not—conflict isn’t a bad thing in relationships. Au contraire, conflict can help a couple work out difficulties and come back to better understand each other, which actually strengthens the bond.

As I pointed out in my last article, John and Julie Gottman, preeminent relationship researchers out of the University of Washington, found that 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual and has no resolution. The key is to learn how to manage conflicts rather than resolve them.

But there are some conflicts that are inherently destructive. The Gottmans called these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Here we outline the most severe conflicts. You’ll probably recognize yourself and your partner in some (or all) of them.

1. CRITICISM Attacking your partner’s personality or character rather than the individual act. This is usually judging someone else as “wrong” when you are, of course, “right.” Lots of all-or-nothing accusations.

Examples: “You always…,” “You never…,” “You’re the type of person who…”

Remedy: Complain about one thing rather than criticizing the person. Seriously, complaining is OK if it’s about one thing. Narrow it to a complaint and make a request. For example, “You didn’t clean the soufflé pan. Would you mind doing it before we go to bed?”

2. DEFENSIVENESS Seeing yourself as the victim of an attack, whether it’s true or not. Nonetheless, you put your boxing gloves on to fend off anymore attacks.

Examples: Making excuses for your behavior, saying you were forced to do whatever it is you did because of someone or something else. (“It’s not my fault…” or “I slept with him because you weren’t paying attention to me.”); whining (“It’s not fair!”); cross-complaining, when you meet your partner’s complaint with another complaint, criticism or just plain ignoring what he is saying. (“Oh yeah, well you… blah, blah, blah”); denial (“That’s not true!” usually followed by a good dose of cross-complaining, “You’re the one who…”) and the broken record, which is repeating oneself while simultaneously appearing not to hear a single thing the other person says. Eventually you either get beaten down or you beat him up. His perfected “non-listening” techniques will only infuriate you more.

Remedy: The key is to find something you can validate. Put down your shield and really listen to your partner. This may be tough because he may be saying all kinds of nonsense, but you just need to ignore that. Really look for the needle in the haystack and then call that needle out and validate him for bringing that up. Claim responsibility for your actions that contributed. You will be amazed how quickly your partner calms down.

3. CONTEMPT This is stooping to a whole new level beyond criticism and defensiveness, when your sense of self is attacked. This is true psychological abuse.

Examples: Insults and name-calling like “fat,” “stupid” or “ugly”; hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery; body language such as sneering, rolling your eyes and curling your upper lip.

Remedy: Get off your damn high horse and apologize for your shitty behavior. Yes, you. If you stoop to contempt, it’s as if you are pouring sulfuric acid on the relationship. You need to take the walk of shame. Sorry, there’s no way around this one—you stepped in it, and now you have to clean it up.

4. STONEWALLING This one involves withdrawing from the relationship as a way of avoiding conflict. Stonewalling may be a better alternative than punching someone, but it conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection and/or smugness.

Examples: Stony silence; grunts, groans and monosyllabic responses; changing the subject; removing yourself physically; the silent treatment.

Remedy: Often people get to the point of stonewalling when they run out of words. A way through is to call it out: “I’m sorry, but I can’t think of something else to say.” If you really want to work on things, ask your partner, “Can we take a break and bring this up later?” These can be among the toughest words to say during a conflict, but a 30-minute break can do wonders for a couple as they begin to settle back into their regular functioning. But don’t stay there too long. Focus on open truthful communication and generous listening.

Now, these aren’t the only culprits that erode relationships. There are also things like belligerence and domineering, both of which also take their tolls. These four horsemen, however, are among the most destructive. All couples step into these traps; the real key is getting out of them.

Next time I’ll share with you the real secrets on how to improve your relationship, even when your partner is not looking!

What Your Parents Didn’t Teach You About Gay Relationships

A successful relationship is often considered the Holy Grail of the gay world. It means we’ve arrived. But anyone who has been in a relationship longer than six months knows they take work. A lot of work.

I always say that if you want clear advice about how to have a relationship, ask a single person. They seem to know all the rules (which inevitably lead them back to being single again). If you ask someone in a long-term relationship, that person’s advice is likely to be a bit more clouded.

Luckily there is a great deal of research to light the way, some of which is quite surprising. Since it can all be overwhelming, here’s what we know.

JUST FOR THE GAYS

Same-sex couples are more likely to be happy and positive about their relationships than our heterosexual counterparts, according to a 2014 British study published by the Open University.

Approximately 50% of gay male relationships are “open”—meaning there is sex outside the relationship with the partners’ knowledge and approval—according to a San Francisco State University 2010 gay couples study. (This number does not include those who say they’re monogamous and then sneak around.)

42% of open couples opened things up in their first three months, according to a 2013 University of Michigan study. The rest took an average of five to seven years.

Open couples are just as happy in their relationships as those in sexually exclusive unions, according to the 2010 study.

A 2012 study conducted by San Francisco State University titled “You and Me” found that most white couples, regardless of HIV status, did not use condoms within their relationship.

That same study found that black men with black partners were far likelier to use condoms due to “unspoken agreements” regarding the high HIV transmission rates among gay African-Americans. If there was a break in this agreement, black couples were moree likely to talk about the situation and undergo HIV testing together.

FOR ALL RELATIONSHIPS

Most conflicts are not resolvable. John and Julie Gottman, preeminent relationship researchers out of the University of Washington, found that 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual and has no resolution. The key is to learn how to manage conflicts rather than resolve them.

The bads outweigh the goods. Stable, happy couples have a 5:1 ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions, according to the Gottmans. That is, for every criticism and negative comment, there has to be at least five compliments and positive comments. The key is to build a big fat savings account of positives, so when a withdrawal is made (like an unthinking comment), there is still plenty left to make the relationship feel rich.

The happiest couples don’t have kids. Childless men and women are more satisfied with their relationships and more likely to feel valued by their partner, according to a study of 5,000 couples by the Open University.

Say “thanks.” Thanking and giving compliments emerged as one of the most important factors in keeping a relationship healthy.

If you want to find a husband, find an ex-husband. The Open University study found that people who had been in a long-term relationships before were more likely to know how to sustain their next relationship.

As a disclaimer, I am not telling you to open up your relationship, refuse to have kids or steal someone’s husband. Rather, relationships are complicated things. They are ever-evolving and require work and commitment by both people. There are things you can do to make them succeed, and all-too-common mistakes that can lead to failure.

In my next article, I will show you some of the most dangerous traps couples get into, and what you can do to escape them.

Off the Couch: No Selfie Control

Back when I was in graduate school, learning about Rorschach ink blots, we were told that people who saw a high number of mirror images in the cards were indications of narcissism, and that mirror image responses were all too common with those of the “homosexual variety.” I was immediately insulted and made my protest known, but now methinks I protested too much.

Fast forward to today, where one can’t stumble through a gay bar without hitting a narcissist (or 12). It seems like some gays have cornered the market in the fundamentals of narcissism—extreme self-centeredness, a grandiose view of oneself, the need to be admired and an annoying sense of entitlement.

These individuals are likely to tell you of their special skills and unique purpose. For those of you unlucky enough to have dated one, you know they can be like a box of those Valentine’s Day sugar candies—pretty to look at, with some cute sayings, but ultimately unsatisfying and sure to give you a stomach ache in the end.

But how do you figure out which boy is an empty narcissist and which one has some substance underneath? Don’t ask them! They’ll just talk your ear off about fancy jobs they don’t really occupy, celebrities they don’t genuinely know and admirers they don’t actually have. You’ll end up believing they shine as bright as the sun, and you’re just lucky to be orbiting. But know that if you get too close, you’re going to get burned.

The way to tell if someone is a narcissist may be to look in his mirror, and the favorite mirror of the modern narcissist is the human reflecting pool of social media. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter—they provide the frame to all those bathroom mirror selfies, and they can also help you spot Mr. Bad Idea.

In a new study published in the latest issue of Personality and Individual Differences, researchers from Ohio State surveyed 1,000 men 18-40 years old, both straight and gay, across the nation, about their social media use and their personalities. It seems that narcissists spend more time than most on social networking sites, but the real reveal was in their—you guessed it—selfies.

Posting numerous selfies was related to narcissism and that other bugaboo of the gay world, psychopathy. Not quite the Dahmer type of psychopath (that’d be a sociopath), but more like that rentboy you’ve been eyeing.

You know the psychopath by his famous lack of empathy and fun-loving inability to control his impulses, but you may not catch on immediately because he can be a master of adaptation. He may appear to be the perfect man, because he can fit in as easily at the circuit party as he can at your grandmother’s funeral.

It’s all about him, and his blood will run cold if you cross him. And as much as the narcissist needs admirers, a psychopath needs pushovers (cough cough sugar daddies cough cough).

So, if you see a lot of solo self-portraits on a guy’s Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, chances are you’re dealing with one of these two special types of gentleman. How can you tell the difference between a narcissist and a psychopath? Frankly, it’s tough, even in real life. There tends to be a lot of overlap, and they can coexist.

Look closely at the pics. Not surprisingly, narcissists make an extra effort to look their best in photos. Psychopaths just put up a lot of pics—in fact, they post the most selfies overall, most likely due to their fabulous lack of impulse control. (That’s what makes them such great one-night stands.)

The study also unveiled a third group that’s not as obvious. They are the men who view their bodies as objects. Though they are frequent Facebook users, like narcissists, they tend to post fewer selfies—but like narcissists, the ones they do post make them and their bodies look amazing!

This self-objectification group is associated with low self-esteem. These men may not be as harmful to you, but they may be just as self-focused and disconnected.

Chances are that if you’re reading this and feel offended because you like to post well-crafted and flattering body shots, you’re probably in the low self-esteem group. If you’re in the other two groups, you probably don’t care in the first place.

Now, before you go accusing your frenemies of a diagnosis they may or may not have, know this is based on statistical analysis. Not everyone who displays lots of selfies is going to be a narcissist or a psychopath, though they are more likely to be.

Your best bet? Find a guy who doesn’t have a social media presence at all. He probably isn’t so self-involved, and he may make real husband material. But let’s face it—who’s going to believe you’re seeing someone until he posts on Instagram a hot selfie of the two of you at a pool party?