Gays and Their Cigarettes, A (Dangerous) Love Story

LGBT adults are twice as likely as heterosexual adults to smoke cigarettes and half as likely to consider quitting, according to a University of Colorado study published in 2012 in Nicotine and Tobacco Research. But it’s not just the oldsters, according to an August 2013 study published in the journal Psychology and Psychiatry, which found that LGBT youths were also twice as likely as their hetero counterparts to smoke.

While smoking rates have gone down for the general population, they have remained higher for certain groups, including poor people, those less educated, people who live in the South, people who abuse drugs or alcohol and the gays. This is all according to the Centers for Disease Control. What an unfortunate roster of company that we keep.

So what gives? It seems that LGBTs are more likely to engage in all kinds of risky behaviors, not just smoking. It can be risky alcohol and drug use, risky sex and even riskier fashion choices—we know how to push the envelope.

The reason is thought to be because of “minority stress”—that crappy feeling resulting from homophobia and heterosexism that may lead some to medicate their feelings of anxiety and depression with cigarettes, alcohol and tailored clothing that reveals a little too much back fat.

This same minority stress is also to blame for 25% of the LGBT population experiencing “doctor distrust,” making them reluctant to—among other things—ask their physician’s advice about smoking cessation, something that is considered a cornerstone of quitting. It also leads some of our tribe to steer clear of standard stop-smoking strategies because they aren’t marketed or sensitive to LGBTs specifically.

We all know the negative effects of smoking—cancer, emphysema and, to many of us, the more frightening (and more certain) possibilities of brown teeth, bad breath and leathery skin—things no queen wants on his body. But did you know tobacco really does a number on those with HIV? As if they didn’t have enough on their health plates.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate that 42% of those with HIV smoke cigarettes, one of the highest rates of any subgroup. But it’s not just leathery skin these individuals should worry about. Tobacco smoking inhibits T-cell function and thereby increases the risk for infections, especially pulmonary infections (the ones that make you wheeze and cough).

Also, HIV infection is now associated with a chronic state of inflammation, even in those individuals whose HIV is well-controlled. Unfortunately, inflammation and smoking make a deadly duo, increasing the risk for smoking’s two biggest star diseases—heart attack and stroke—among other things. Also unfortunate is that quit rates are 37% lower for HIV-infected smokers compared to the general population.

It’s officially time to put down the cigarettes! But, hey, I know that’s not so easy. Smokable stimulants—cocaine, crystal meth, cigarettes—are among the easiest drugs to which people become addicted. They are also some of the most difficult to quit.

To be clear, quitting is not a cruise in the park. (See what we did there?) It’s tough. Ask anyone who has been through it—and their shell-shocked partners. On the positive side, it’s never too late. Quitting smoking at any age results in dramatic improvements to your health and looks. To help you, I have included some tips to help get you through:

1. MAKE A PLAN Write down the reasons you want to quit, and come up with solutions to triggers that could lead you back to smoking.

2. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR Your doc can give you good advice, refer you to counseling and may prescribe medications that will help. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your doctor, it’s time to find a new one.

3. TELL EVERYONE Include your friends, family, partner and even your tricks. Ask for their support (and carrot sticks).

4. SURF THE CRAVINGS When a craving hits you, imagine it as a giant wave that can either take you down or one that you can ride out. Take the ride, and while it’s happening, distract yourself by doing something that would make it impossible to smoke. Some ideas: juggling, playing patty-cake or just putting something large and pole-like in your mouth until the feeling passes.

5. CONSIDER MEDS Face it—if you smoke, you’re probably a big fan of instant gratification. Just swallowing a pill or slapping a patch on your arm can make you feel like you are doing something. These things can really help. But stay away from e-cigs, as many people end up sucking up even more nicotine than they did with traditional cigarettes.

If You Can’t Trust Dr. Oz, Who Can You Trust?

You can’t trust what The Dr. Oz Show tells you, and that’s a scientific fact. Approximately half of the show’s recommendations have either no evidence backing them up (39%) or are contradicted by the best available evidence (15%), and only half (46%) of the recommendations are backed by research according to a study published in the December 2014 issue of the British Medical Journal.

Dr. Oz’s lower rated competitor, The Doctors, faired only slightly better in the same study. There was no evidence found to support 24% of the recommendations on that show, and 14% were contradicted. But at least nearly two-thirds of the recommendations (63%) were backed by research. So you will do better listening to The Doctors over Dr. Oz—that is, if you can stay awake through an episode.

And that’s the problem. Medical research is not inherently exciting. Oh, sure, it has its moments, like when a cure is found or a disease like Ebola is spreading, but otherwise it can be a slog-fest. So to gussy it up, television producers make overzealous claims—often about weight loss and beauty—that get you to tune in. They need viewers to pump up ratings so they can sell advertising. It really is that simple.

But can we blame Dr. Oz? In addition to hosting a hit TV show, he’s still a working cardiothoracic surgeon with a wife and family. No matter how much we think he should, there’s no way he has the time to research every claim he makes on TV. He relies on his staff to do the footwork. He mostly reads what the staff puts on the teleprompter, and he interviews guests selected by the producers. On TV he’s really less of a doctor and more of a showman. Unfortunately, the home audience feels Oz is their personal doctor and trusts him. But, according to this study, that’s a bad idea.

So if you can’t trust an Oprah-anointed doctor, how can you trust someone like me? That’s a good question. One difference is that I base my articles on research—even this article. I would never have made such outrageous claims about two popular medical TV shows without some science to back me up.

Still, I have had rare instances where editors have changed small words that ended up altering the meaning of a finding. On my reality show (Bravo’s L.A. Shrinks), it happened more frequently. It happens in media. Health professionals in the media truly want to give you some tidbit to help you live your life better (we kinda get off on that), and producers and editors work on making it seem tantalizing so you will watch or read it (they get off on that). It’s an odd mix that sometimes produces health food for the brain, sometimes junk food. The problem is you don’t always know which is which.

I’m now going out on a limb to give you a recommendation not backed by science—continue watching The Dr. Oz Show and The Doctors, and continue reading my column. You really can learn stuff. But you have to have a healthy sense of skepticism.

If Dr. Oz, the cast of The Doctors, or even I make a recommendation, don’t follow it blindly! Rather, write it down and discuss it with your personal physician or mental health professional at your next visit. Even if the recommendation is backed by research, it may not be appropriate for your body or your life.

As much as we try to codify the science of medicine, human beings are wild cards requiring that medicine also be an art. Human people and human bodies don’t always act the same way as each other. A doctor’s job is so much more than giving you a factoid, reading a blood test or writing a prescription—we need to make a human connection. No TV can provide that, and no science book can teach that.

While media health experts can give you valuable information, they cannot substitute as your personal health practitioner. If you want to lose weight, feel less anxious or find out about those erectile issues, put down the remote and go see your real doctor. You never know, he just might throw in a rectal exam as a bonus—and that’s something no TV doctor can do.

Off the Couch: Is Biology to Blame for Some Gays’ Conservative Natures?

Many gays are still trapped in a closet—the Republican closet. According to CNN exit polls over the last 10 years, with each passing election, more and more self-identified gays vote Republican (now over 30%). Shocking! Lincoln aside, weren’t Republicans the ones who had a tea party and told us we weren’t welcome? What gives? Are they self-hating masochists, or are these Log Cabin folks just revealing their true selves?

Politics can wreak havoc on relationships. A study released in October out of Stanford has shown that political disagreements are more difficult to bridge than racial or religious differences, and that political affiliation has become a litmus test for relationships. Marriage across party lines is extremely rare. So before you move too quickly on that Scruff date, you may want to find out which way he leans.

A first clue could be his name. A non-partisan political tech company called Crowdpac scoured the records of all political donations since 1980 and found that some first names are more conservative than others. (It’s more like a horoscope than a blood test, but interesting nonetheless.) The five most conservative names? Doyle, Billy, Eldon, Lamar and Buddy. Yes, Buddy, your dog’s name. My own name, Greg, indicates a fairly conservative person five times more likely to contribute to a political campaign than the average person, but my given name, Gregory, is less conservative and less likely than others to hand money over. Hmmm. Maybe this isn’t so accurate.

It isn’t your name that makes you liberal or conservative, but it may be in the genes of those people who named us in the first place. According to a study published in the July edition of Behavioral and Brain Sciences, it’s not conscious decision-making nor parental upbringing that fully explains our political affiliations—it may be our physiological responses and deep-seated psychology that lean us left or right.

It appears conservatives tend to have more intense reactions to negative images, such as people eating worms, burning houses or maggot-infested wounds. This finding was recently backed up by another team of scientists who published an article in Current Biology showing that brain responses to maggot-infestations (that again?), rotting carcasses and dirty toilets indicate how liberal or conservative one person is with 95-98% accuracy. It seems political ideology—being conservative or liberal—is as highly heritable as height.

And being conservative affects one’s personality. Conservatives have been found to be quicker to focus on the negative, to spend longer looking at the negative and are more distracted by the negative as well. These negative nellies are also more alert to threats. As a result, they tend to emphasize stability and order and are less likely to be swayed by emotional arguments or passion. Even so, they report being happier than liberals as individuals, maybe because they support the status quo and believe socioeconomic hardships are a result of individual shortcomings.

Liberals have their own set of issues. A study out of Tel Aviv University in Israel demonstrated that liberals are far more emotion-driven and more likely to change their minds and support different policies according to their emotional reactions. According to a study recently published in the Journal of Applied Psychology, people who live in countries with liberal policies reported higher life satisfaction than those countries with less liberal policies. Oddly enough, those with the highest levels of well-being are conservatives who also have the benefit of living in a liberal country.

Maybe we need both—conservatives to maintain the status quo and liberals to push progress and innovation. A conservative-only world would get boring awfully fast, and a liberal-only world would go off the rails in no time. Maybe nature wants a little balance.

Now, I am not saying that someone who is born conservative (or liberal) can’t change.

Community, friends and co-workers—and the relentless denial of basic human rights—can all play a role in breaking free of the Republican strong-hold (hello, Libertarians). I am saying we need to be a little more compassionate to our conservative brothers. Let’s not be crazy and try to send them to reparative therapy or expect them to just “get it.” Baby, they were born that way.

7 Things for Gays to Consider When Choosing a Therapist

Gay or not? This is the biggest factor for most. Psychotherapy is a personal relationship. Though most therapists are trained to help a wide variety of people, many patients will feel most comfortable telling their bedtime stories to someone who has played in the same kind of bed. Ask when you make that first phone call. If your therapist won’t divulge something so salient to most gay and bisexual men and women, move on!

Gay-Affirming

Many non-gay therapists will describe themselves as “gay-friendly” or “gay-sensitive,” which means they are cool accepting you into their practice. But this does not mean they are especially adept at dealing with gay issues. Rather, pick a “gay-affirming” therapist who is positive about gay-identity and doesn’t apply a heterosexual norm.

Looks

Some clients will choose their therapist based on looks—don’t act shocked—but this can be a bad move if having an attractive therapist causes you to hide your unattractive qualities, resulting in a dead-end.

Age/Gender/Ethnicity

Sometimes it’s just easier to open up with someone who is either similar or different than your own age, gender and ethnicity. Therapy is not a time for you to be “politically correct.” Figure out what you want. Own it. Ask for it.

License

This is the quickest way to tell if a therapist is legit. Master’s degree licenses are often listed as LMFT, LPCC and LCSW. Doctoral licenses don’t have the long list of letters, rather they say what they are: Psychiatrist or Psychologist. Check with the California licensing board online and find out the first year they were licensed. (That really tells you how long they have been at this.) If a therapist is still in training mode, the listing will say MFT Intern, Psychological Assistant or Psychiatrist Resident, and they’ll operate under someone else’s supervision.

Education and Training

Sadly, this is the area where I see most new therapists exaggerate and mislead—counting their experience from the first time they counseled someone in preschool, listing a Ph.D. in Chemistry or saying they are an “expert” as a means of marketing. Don’t just accept a number of years or a bunch of letters. Ask for specifics.

Medication

If you need medication, then you need to see a physician (M.D. or D.O.) or a nurse practitioner (N.P.). This person may or may not also provide psychotherapy (a psychiatrist often provides both). It’s fairly common for people who take medication to see two people—one for medication and one for therapy.

Cost and Location

Because therapy rarely works in one or two visits, pick someone close that you can afford. If you are going to use insurance, call both your insurance company and the therapist to get very clear on your coverage. Just because someone is listed as a “Blue Cross Provider” does not mean they take your Blue Cross plan. Also see someone close to your work, home or a spot you like to visit regularly.

The Sex-Starved Relationship

I gave a book to a partnered friend on her 50th birthday entitled Sex After 50. The inside of the book was blank. Everyone laughed, including my friend, who spit out her chocolate cake before turning to me and whispering blankly, “I haven’t had sex for two years.”

My friend, who has been in her relationship for more than 20 years, is not alone. According to the groundbreaking book American Couples, 67% of gay couples and 33% of lesbian couples report having sex three times a week or more during the first two years of their relationship. But things change as time marches on. For couples together 10 years or longer, only 11% of gay couples and one percent of lesbian couples report having it that often.

There’s an old saying: “If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, and take one out every time you have sex thereafter, you will never empty the jar.” I’ve never seen a jar of pennies next to someone’s bed, but I suspect there is a tinge of truth to that.

So what’s the problem? Age? Lack of attraction? Boredom? Hostility? Kids? Yes to any and all of these things, but each case is different. Some even say we are biologically predetermined to move on from our conquests in an effort to “spread our seed.” But what’s a boy to do when he wants to keep planting in his home garden?

Assuming you’ve had all the appropriate medical tests, have cleared your head of psychological hurdles and are willing to take responsibility and not blame everything on your partner, there are many things you could do. Seek counseling, radically accept the situation, open the relationship—it’s an issue that likely grew over many years, and it can’t be cured with a few words. If you want to start working on it, here’s a place to start:

1. STOP COMPARING YOUR SEX LIFE TO OTHERS

Especially your single friends who are checking their OKCupid accounts as you read this. People who frequently compare their sex life to others feel less secure and less satisfied in their relationships.

2. CREATE MYSTERY

There’s a saying that familiarity breeds contempt. Roman poet Ovid said, “What makes men indifferent to their wives is that they can see them when they please.” It’s the same with gays, so shut your sassy mouth, develop outside interests and, for Gaga’s sake, close the bathroom door.

3. CURB YOUR ORGASMS

If your goal is to cum, you need to let it go. Pressure to perform is one of the biggest causes of sexual dysfunction and avoidance of sex. Rather, focus on pleasuring your partner through simple touch, massage, kissing, and exploring. Don’t make it an affection-starved relationship, too.

Doing these things can improve any romantic relationship, and if not, you can always take those pennies and buy yourself a slice of chocolate cake.

Preening for Pride

Bare chests, dilated pupils, walks of shame. Pride isn’t just about celebration; it is also a time of exhibition, inebriation and indiscrimination. A time for us to come together and do whatever the hell we want, with highlights occasionally appearing on PornHub the next day.

For weeks leading up to Pride, those with an itch to ditch every stitch fill up the gyms—sometimes twice a day. These men (and women) are hoping to both attract attention and feel acceptable to other muscled beauties. They limit their food intake to a chicken breast and two breath mints, and every morning is a game of “Mirror, Mirror.”

Men have always placed a premium on hot bodies, and those who are the object of men’s affections (be they men or women) know the way to get a man’s attention is to show off their bodies.

Since gay men lust after men and are the object of men’s lust, we have a special pressure to perform. We starve ourselves, plan skimpy outfits and pump up with steroids, HGH and creatine. Most of all, we obsess—a prime pastime for many gay men. But does obsessing about something help you to achieve it?

Body obsession is not setting a goal; it is a repetitive demand that we must be physically beautiful—even perfect—and it’s a fear that if we let our guard down we will instantly become fat, old or tragically unattractive. But the real monster is rejection.

Obsession is really a form of avoiding that internal monster, but unfortunately running away only makes it stronger. If you want to get rid of a monster, you have to face it. A good place to face it is Pride weekend.

When you obsess about your looks, you will often compare yourself to other guys. They’re either hotter than you, and you feel bad about yourself, or they’re not as hot as you, and you feel better. Both take a toll.

Comparison isn’t the way to tame that monster, but compassion is—feeling for yourself and other people. If you want to let go of your insecurity, invest in the security of others.

Here’s an easy three-step solution to curing your body obsession and making you an all-around more attractive person in the process:

1. The moment you compare yourself—either positively or negatively—to another person, get out of your head, walk up to that person and say “Hi.”

2. Smile and introduce yourself.

3.Then say “Happy Pride” and go about your merry way. Repeat this 25 times.

If you’re still feeling insecure, do it another 25 times or until you are feeling like you aren’t in a competition but at a family reunion.

I guarantee that by the end of the day you’ll feel a lot better about your body and face, and other people will think you are pretty great, too. You just might get a nice walk of shame out of the whole thing.

Standing up for Sissies

Oregon mother Jessica Durtro fatally beat her 4-year-old son because she thought he was gay. She subjected little Zachary Dutro-Boggess to repeat attacks, with a final blow leaving his insides bleeding and his bowels torn, eventually killing him.

Jessica sent a Facebook message to her boyfriend, Brian Canady, saying she knew he was going to be gay. “He walks and talks like it. Ugh.” She told Canady he would have to “work on” Zachary “big time.” Work on him they both did. Canady admitted kicking the boy in the abdomen while wearing shoes, pleading guilty to manslaughter. But it was the testimony of Zachary’s 7-year-old sister that led to the mother’s murder conviction.

Many on the news asserted that no one could tell a 4-year-old child was gay. Sadly, they are expressing the same kind of ‘fake color blindness’ people claim they have when they assert they can’t see race. But most who are gay are not surprised this mother could tell. Many gay men weren’t the butchest of boys.

In 1986, UCLA Psychiatrist Richard Green, M.D., published a 15-year study of 44 extremely effeminate boys in the groundbreaking book The Sissy Boy Syndrome. These boys did many “gender-atypical” things that many gay men remember doing—donning dresses and heels, firing up an Easy-Bake Oven and playing with dolls and girls’ games (I always liked “Mystery Date”). These boys also had an aversion to sports and rough-and-tumble play. Many of them even said they were or wanted to be girls.

At first blush one might think this was a study group of male-to-female trans individuals. But it turns out that all of them grew up to eventually identify as gay or bisexual, with only one identifying as trans. This is in stark comparison to the “typically masculine” comparison group of boys where only one identified as bi and the rest grew up to identify as hetero.

This mirrored another study at the time—conducted by the Kinsey Institute with 1,500 adults—that concluded “gender nonconformity” in childhood was the most important predictor of homosexuality in adulthood. Paul Vitagliano lovingly demonstrates this with both photos and stories in his 2012 book Born This Way.

In fairness, this does not apply to all gay men. A full one-third of gay men recall typically masculine boyhoods. As a result they probably got to escape much of the bullying and rejection experienced by their gender-bending queer peers.

Escaping bullying and abuse is not something most effeminate boys get to do. In fact, they all but have targets written on their backs—targets sometimes used by members of their own families.

No child can control the family they’re born into, and sometimes a child is born into a family that is not only ignorant about sexuality and gender issues but is also homophobic and even violent.

If you are born with gender-conforming ways and can hide your sexuality, you may get to avoid a lot of pain. But if your voice, mannerisms and play preferences don’t conform to the norm, you are likely to get punished for it—leaving emotional scars that continue long after the physical scars have faded.

Unfortunately, little Zachary’s physical scars never got to heal. His mother saw his gender-nonconformity and thought it meant he was gay. If the old studies are correct, she was probably correct. But that’s not what killed him. It was her homophobia combined with a violent nature that led her to take fatal action.

Jessica Durtro’s homophobia did not develop in a vacuum. Our society has come a long way, but there are still churches, popular political figures and close friends and family members who express negative opinions about those who are effeminate and those who are gay.

Unfortunately, negative opinions regarding effeminacy don’t strictly come from outside the LGBT community. It is all too common to hear gay men reacting negatively to effeminate behavior of members of their own tribe. Online ads often say “no femmes,” and every year gays can be heard decrying drag queens in gay Pride parades while forgetting who stood up at Stonewall (drag queens, effeminate men and trans individuals).

Though our community continues to make great strides in equality and justice, we still have some work to do in accepting others within our own ranks that don’t quite fit into some masculine ideal. In rejecting effeminate boys and men, we send a message to the outside world (and to mothers of boys like little Zachary) that it’s OK to hate them. It’s not.

It’s time to stand up for all the sissies out there—past, present and future. Because if it weren’t for sissy boys standing up for the rest of us, we might all still be in hiding.

How To Train Your Man: Part 4

I don’t want to over-sell this, but I am about to give you and your partner the real answers to life, the universe and everything else. Maybe The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Google will tell you it’s the number 42 (go ahead, Google it), but what I’m about to tell you will solve the unsolvable when your man just won’t seem to do what he’s told.

In my previous three articles, I’ve shown you the principles of training your man. In short, if you want him to do something, you reward him with appreciation. If you want him to stop doing something, you ignore him (or give him a dose of disapproval). But, let’s face it, you can’t always get him to do what you want. Like your dog, he may learn a few new tricks, but when your back is turned he still wants to sniff butts and chase tail.

A good clue that he doesn’t want to change is when he tells you that he “can’t change.” You and I both know he’s wrong—nearly anyone can change his behavior—but it’s not easy, and it may be more difficult than what your man is willing to take on. So what’s a boy to do?

The basic principle: ACCEPTANCE

This means seeing the reality of a (very often negative) situation without attempting to change it, protest it or exit.

Acceptance will lead you to a happier relationship and a happier you. It really is the true miracle solution. Unfortunately, acceptance is also one of the most misunderstood concepts in psychology, and chances are you misunderstand it, too.

Most people think they accept a situation when they finally realize they can’t change it, but that’s only half the story. If you’re also feeling defeated, dismayed and disregarded by your man’s lack of improvement, chances are you’re not feeling acceptance—you’re feeling resignation.

RESIGNATION IS HALF-WAY TO GIVING UP.

Resignation is judging a situation negatively while believing you can’t change it, protest it or exit—basically, feeling powerless and giving up rather than fighting anymore. You’ll know you’re caught in the trap of resignation when you hit the three R’s of resignation:

(1) Recognize: Judging your man’s action as a horrible thing that is also a repetition of something that has happened many times in the past.

(2) Resist: Trying without success to stop your man from repeating that past deed or just protesting him doing it.

(3) Resent: After your many futile attempts to change his behavior, you finally give up the fight but grow angrier as he continues to do it. This continues, and a wedge is driven between you and your partner that can persist as long as the relationship.

But how many wedges can you have driven between you and your partner before you are both finally driven apart?

The Solution is Acceptance.

The solution—of course—is acceptance. But how do you get there? I recommend these three A’s of acceptance.

(1) Acknowledge: The key here is to see the situation without judgment. See it as new and singular, even if it seems familiar. See it as something that just is.

(2) Allow: Rather than trying to hold it off or defend against it, allow it to be. Allow your man to do what he does without trying to stop it or defend against it in your mind. Let it go by like a leaf on a river—even if that river can roll like rapids at times.

(3) Appreciate: Look at your partner as a whole person versus focusing on his incredibly annoying parts. Appreciate him for who he is. And even look to appreciate the parts of him that annoy you too. His annoying parts are just part of his total repertoire.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT BOTH PEOPLE.

Nobody is perfect. Obviously not him, certainly not me, especially not you. The more you appreciate others for exactly who they are, the more they will appreciate you back. And in doing so, your relationship and your life will improve dramatically! Really.

So how can I sum up the lessons in the “How to Train Your Man” series? Give him appreciation for the things you’d like him to keep doing. Take away that appreciation if you want him to stop. If he just won’t budge, practice acceptance.

Voil! By mastering these three simple concepts—especially that last one—you will begin to have the partner and relationship that up until now you’ve only dreamed about.

The real lesson here? If you want to see a change in your man (or anyone else), the change has to begin not with him but with the man in the mirror. Relationships are about both people, but the only real power you have to change things is within yourself.

And if that doesn’t work? Well, 42.

How To Train Your Man: Part 3

What do you do when your dog misbehaves? Punish him! What do you do when your man misbehaves? Punish him! It sounds fun at first, but if you don’t do it right you’ll be the one feeling the pain. In my previous two articles, I showed you that—like your dog—your man can be trained. Both are animals, and both will do tricks for treats, especially when it involves getting a bone.

In Part 2 I pointed out that when you display appreciation for his good deeds, he’s more likely to do those things again in the future. In this part I will show you the flipside—how to get him to stop doing something you don’t want him to do anymore.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLE

When your man does something and it’s followed by something unpleasant or unsatisfying, he’ll tend to do it less in the future.

That ‘something’ that causes him to think twice about his deeds is called a punishment. But punishment is something that can easily backfire, so you have to perform it with great precision and care. (Something our S&M-loving brothers and sisters have long known.)

Many of you have already mastered the most destructive methods of punishment—criticizing, condescending and shouting. Some take the less obvious but still destructive path of icing someone out, denying sex or doing something passive-aggressive like putting salt in his coffee by accident.

All of these tactics will eventually backfire on you. The fact is that if you act like a shrew every time your man steps out of line, you are only creating a ticking time bomb.

Punishing your man may cause him to feel more angry, depressed or anxious. As a result, in the future he will be more likely to yell back, outright lie, avoid your sorry ass or finally decide he’s had enough and split.

THE BEST PUNISHMENT IS TO DO NOTHING.

Let’s say your dude frequently excretes gaseous emissions from one of his two primary orifices. (In other words, he burps and farts a lot.) You don’t consider yourself a prude, but this is going too far. Every time he does it, you yell that you’re disgusted and call him ‘gross.’ With each passing silent-but-deadly moment, you get louder and more upset, but nothing seems to work.

Well, if he hasn’t stopped, your dramatics may be exactly what he wants. He may like the bad attention! And just a hint: If you don’t give him enough good attention, he may settle for the bad attention—because it’s better than no attention at all. The first thing to do is to stop getting upset, because it ain’t working!

A word of warning: It will get worse before it gets better. When you stop giving him the attention he wants, your man will actually do it more to get your attention. Just hang in there and keep on doing nothing. Eventually he will realize you are not going to give him what he wants and will belch less. But if you have trouble doing nothing, there is a second option.

THE NEXT BEST PUNISHMENT IS DISAPPROVAL

If you’re going to use disapproval, followthese rules:

(1) Tell him. As soon as your man lets one go (or does whatever problem behavior you are trying to squelch), tell him you don’t like it and leave it at that. Don’t raise your voice, use profanities or embarrass him. Just say it and be done.

(2) Do it every time. Every single time your man does his offensive behavior, call it out. Otherwise, he will get the message that sometimes it’s OK.

(3) Don’t be a bully or a wimp. Meet your man eye-to-eye and tell him. Remember, you are his partner, not his parent.

(4) Give him props for doing something else. When your man does something desirable, call that out, too. Remember that your man runs on appreciation—appreciate him and he will do more of that for your attention rather than farting at the dinner table. Just don’t be discouraged if he still does it every now and then.

NOTHING IS GONE FOREVER.

Punishment doesn’t eliminate behavior—it merely suppresses it. The offensive behavior will come back, sometimes out of the blue. When it does, don’t freak! Just repeat the steps above. It may be difficult, but if you focus on appreciating your man for what he does well and ignoring or disapproving what he does not, you are going to end up getting a better acting man.

But what if you’ve tried all your tricks and he still won’t change? There is one magic solution that will bring you a happier home. I’ll share that with you next issue in the final installment of this series.

How To Train Your Man: Part 2

The problem with relationships is that they involve other people. As you are well aware, other people have minds of their own and often do what they want despite your best efforts to show them the correct way—your way.

In my previous article, I illuminated you to the fact that—like your dog—your man can be trained. I know, it’s distasteful to liken your man to a dog, even when he acts like one. But the fact is that we’re all animals and we respond to the same things that animals do. And it’s all based on one thing.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLE: When your man does something and it’s followed by something he finds pleasant or satisfying, he’ll tend to do it again in the future.

Yes, this is just like your dog. If your dog believes he will get a tasty treat by holding up his paw when you say “shake” and then he does, he will most likely do it again when you shout out your monosyllabic request. And though you may not be worried about getting your man to shake your hand on command, you probably want his hand with a few other things.

Let’s say you want your man to take out the trash—whether it is taking that can of rubbish out to the curb or taking you out on a date—you can get your man to do it.

Last time I asked you to figure out what motivates your man to do the things he does, did you?

What generally motivates us is the expectation of something pleasant or satisfying. What does your man find pleasant or satisfying? It can be similar to what you use to train your dog—only human food treats. But the problem with things like food is that we get full. And when we’re full, the treat no longer works.

If you did your homework, use that as his “treat.” If you didn’t, stick with the treat that no one can ever have too much of—appreciation.

APPRECIATION, THE HUMAN TREAT: For those who may be unclear on the concept, appreciation is showing gratitude or an expression of thanks. It is also the recognition of the value, quality or significance of someone and their actions.

Unfortunately, over the course of my work I regularly encounter people who state they appreciate their partners but refuse to show it, usually proclaiming, “He should just know.” Well, chances are if you don’t say it or show it, he probably doesn’t. Appreciation doesn’t count when it isn’t communicated. You can’t just appreciate someone in your head; you also have to open your mouth (generally for words, but other uses of your mouth count, too).

Since ‘taking out the trash’ is our example, let’s get back to it. Whether it’s you or that sack in the kitchen, follow these basic pointers:

FIRST, STOP YOUR BITCHING: Though nagging, complaining and criticizing may get your man to take out the trash once (mostly to get you to shut your trap), he is not likely to want to do it again on his own. That’s because every time he thinks about doing it, he also thinks of you getting your bitch on. It will make him want to avoid it and you.

ASK HIM & SHOW HIM: Rather than bitching, make a friendly request, “Honey, will you please take out the trash?” Simple and to the point. If he hesitates or says he doesn’t know how, offer to do it with him (and without judgment). This also goes for planning a date. Don’t just ask him to take you out—tell him where you would like to go and sit together and show him how to make a reservation. And don’t treat him like a child. He is your man. You are not teaching something, you are sharing something.

GIVE THE FREEDOM OF CHOICE: Your man is not going to want to do something if he believes he is forced into doing it or has to do it your way. If he wants to take the trash out after his favorite TV show or if he wants to take you to his favorite restaurant, go with it. If he doesn’t make the new task at least partly his idea and choice, he is not going to change his ways.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH: When your man has done as you want (whether you asked for it or not), give him a treat. If you are unsure what that is, show appreciation. Say, “Thank you!” And, don’t be sarcastic or give weak praise. Give it in a strong and encouraging way.

THE SOONER THE BETTER: Give thanks as soon as he has done what you want. Don’t wait! If the task is small, like taking out the garbage, the thanks can be immediate after it’s done. If the task is big, like taking you out, find ways to give him treats (such as showing appreciation) throughout the night. Call out things you like along the way. Say things such as, “that was a great meal,” and “I loved that movie,” and especially something good about him—”It’s fun being out with you.” Then end with a great big thank you, however you want to show it (wink, wink).

RINSE AND REPEAT: The above pointers are not just something you can do once and expect a result. They are something you must do over and over again. As our high school teachers were fond of saying, “repetition is the mother of all learning.”

Next time I will show you how to get your man to STOP doing something you don’t want him to do. Meanwhile, try this at home: Identify something you want your guy to do and follow the above principles and pointers. If you have resentment about his past inactivity, set your ego aside and focus on the task at hand. Give your man the same encouragement and optimism you would in training your dog, and be ready to give him his treats.