How To Train Your Man: Part 1

In my ever-expanding need to bring a dusting of sanity to an insane gay world, I have decided to let all of those who are in relationships in on a little secret: Just like a dog, you can train your man.

Now, I know those well-meaning psychotherapists, your mother, your exes and countless chick flicks have told you that people don’t change. Well, that’s a lie. People can and do change.

The brain doesn’t stop growing new connections just because people are over 21, and your old dog can learn new tricks. For Madonna’s sake, your grandparents used telephones with wires attached and once thought computers were something only used by NASA to fly spaceships. Now they use iPhones to post videos on Instagram.

But you’re not really here to listen to stories about your grandma. You want to know how to do something about that guy of yours who, frankly, stopped listening to you long ago.

Don’t worry, I am not going to engage in sexist politics and tell you how guys are different from women. That’s something straight people like to do. Besides, we are talking about gay men here and, at the risk of being politically incorrect, you and I both know that gay men can be as much like women as they are like men. We tend to straddle the fence (among other things). So there will be no pigeonholing you into gender stereotypes.

My advice is based on science, not stereotypes, and works equally well for men and women, gay or straight. In fact, if you don’t have a man in your life, you can use it on your boss, kid, friend or whomever! But it’s just not cool to say you can train a woman. It’s a power thing. That’s why I’m just focusing on the guys.

What I tell you is based on Learning Theory and, ironically, is used by trainers of real dogs everywhere. That’s because, just like dogs, human beings are animals. We respond to the same things. Though we may not bark and roll over on command, we do like to get treats when we do stuff. We just tend to call our treats paychecks. All of it is based on one basic principle.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLE: When you do something and you like what comes right after, you tend to do it again. (For psych goons, you’ll recognize that as a sloppy version of Thorndike’s Law of Effect).

I know where your mind went. Yes, sex is a good example. But think about it for a second—everything works that way. If you like a song, you listen to it more. If you like a pastry, you binge on it later. If you do your hair differently one night and it results in a flurry of free drinks, that bar is going to be seeing a lot of that new ‘do.

THE FLIP SIDE: That basic principle works in reverse as well. If you don’t like something, you tend to avoid it. If a song sounds awful, a pastry gives you gas or your hairdo becomes a hair don’t, you won’t be revisiting those things anytime soon.

Frankly, these two little factoids are all you need to improve your man, your relationship and (though I am not pointing any fingers here) improve yourself as well. But some things are easier said than done, like making a good hollandaise sauce or giving a good handjob. If you don’t beat it fast enough while streaming in the oil, it won’t thicken. The hollandaise, that is.

Your problem is that you and your man have been doing the same thing for a while. You get into a rut. As a result, you get frustrated with things you don’t like without realizing you may be playing a role, either actively or passively. (Again, your mind!)

You continue doing your same thing while bitching at your man that he’s doing his same annoying thing, then turning around and complaining to your friends about it. If your friends are single, they tell you that you deserve better and that you need to move on. If they’re in a relationship, they roll their eyes and regale you with tales of their wedded woes. Neither one is going to give you the solution, so stop your whining already. It’s time to take action.

Your man works the same way you and the rest of us do—he does pretty much everything because he likes the effect. Seriously. That may explain things you understand, like eating your cooking, but I am sure you are wondering why he still does the stuff you think is horrible, like eating other people’s cooking.

Remember, your man does what he does because he gets something from doing it. Once you figure out what that is, you have the key to his satisfaction (and what will get him to do things), but not before then.

TIP: Don’t assume you know what is making him stray from your table—it may not be what you think! Stop, look and listen to find out what motivates your man.

It’s not always easy. If he is eating other people’s cooking, it could be for many reasons. Perhaps he likes the taste, or he likes the company, or he likes getting away from you once in a while. Seriously, it may not be that someone else’s food is tempting him away. He may like getting filled up at someone else’s house because your house is serving up some bitter chow.

This is important to realize. What leads people to do things is not just that they might get something good—it may be that they get to avoid something bad. Sometimes that something bad can be you.

Now, because of space constraints (and the fact that you are speeding to the photo classifieds), I can only introduce you to these concepts today. I will be following up in three more articles to give you the rest of the story. Next time I will focus on getting your partner to do what you want.

YOUR HOMEWORK: Figure out what motivates your man (or boss, kid, friend or whomever). What makes him do the things he does? If you can’t figure it out yourself, ask him!

10 Sure Fire Ways to Win Any Battle With Your Partner

Anyone who has been in a relationship longer than two weeks knows that conflict is a part of it. My Valentine’s gift to you is a list of 10 guaranteed techniques to help you win any argument with your opponent—err, I mean partner. You’re welcome.

1. Assassinate His Character: Take the issue you are arguing about and make it about your partner’s entire personality. If he lied, call him a liar; if he doesn’t want to have sex, call him frigid; or if you don’t know what to call him, just use the ubiquitous “asshole.”

2. Paint with One Putrid Color: This is character assassination combined with an accusation. The key words are “always” and “never.” Examples are, “You’re always on Grindr” or “You never want to top.” If he starts arguing back a contradicting fact, condescendingly dismiss it and switch to technique number 3.

3. Bring Your Birkin Bag: Don’t just focus on the issue that brought you to the argument. Reach into your designer purse and bring out every past issue you’ve ever disagreed about. Hit him with as many as you can in as much detail as possible.

4. Play the Blame Game: Make it clear that for any issue, the fault lies entirely with your partner. Nothing is off-limits—catching you on a Lazy Susan at the bathhouse, rolling on Molly at his mother’s house on Christmas or just not returning his 23 texts. It’s all his fault.

5. Play the Martyr: Throw off your partner by telling him that he is right in all of his complaints. Say that you are hopeless and you can understand why he hates you. Your partner will not be able to argue with your pathetic self.

If things still aren’t getting anywhere, I suggest these nuclear options:

6. Pull Rank: Tell your partner you are richer, smarter, better looking, have a bigger dick, etc. Tell him he has no idea what he is talking about and give advice based on your superior position. If he protests, patronize him by saying that you are “just trying to help.”

7. Stop Responding Completely: This will not only bring the argument to a screeching halt but will infuriate your partner. For extra credit, combine your shut down with pulling rank by saying, “I don’t have to listen to this. I have a real job to get up for in the morning!” Then slam the door behind you.

8. Call in Fake Witnesses: Bring in the nasty opinions of friends. To drive your partner extra crazy, don’t say their names, just say “someone” (you probably made the whole thing up anyway).

9. Mock and Scorn: It’s not what you say but how you say it. Use your high school acting skills to imitate your partner, really exaggerating any negative qualities. Or ridicule your partner by saying “you’re so smart” but make sure your tone says the opposite.

Lastly, once you have vanquished your opponent, time to “make-up.” But don’t give up your power.

10. Give a Non-Apology: If your partner says he feels hurt, sad, jealous, upset or whatever, do not apologize for anything you did. Rather, tell him you are sorry he feels the way he does. His feelings are the real problem, not you.

Persistent use of the above techniques can make you a winner in any argument with your partner. The only problem is that by being a “winner” you place your partner in the role of “loser.” And though “losers” may stick around to fight another day, they eventually tire of losing and move on. But, hey, it saves you the bother of breaking up!

If for some reason you want to wuss out and strengthen your relationship rather than destroy it, then you might want to take a different tack altogether when conflict arises.

Rather than trying to win the battle with your partner, set your ego aside and think about the two of you winning the relationship war together. Try these relationship building conflict techniques:

1. Focus on One Problem at a Time: Only argue one problem at a time. Don’t bring in anything else. Don’t make it a character flaw of your partner. Keep it simple.

2. Take Responsibility: Get real with yourself and own up to your actions that are problematic. Don’t blame anybody else or, conversely, take all the blame and be a martyr. Just look at what you did and say, “Yes, I did it.”

3. Get Eye to Eye with Your Partner: Get off your high horse and put yourself on the same level as your mate. Even if you make more money, have a bigger wang or just think you are morally superior. And leave out the opinions of others. You are in an equal partnership with the man or woman in front of you. Act like it.

4. Really Apologize: I’m a fan of the simple “I’m sorry.” No ifs, ands or buts. Just sorry. If you really want do it right, demonstrate understanding of where you went wrong and commit to do better. End with “I love you.”

The secret weapon to navigate any argument:

5. Validate: This can be as simple as standing there and listening to your partner’s concerns. It is made stronger by expressing that you understand how they might feel the way they do given the circumstances. And even if you disagree with their concerns and you find yourself having trouble understanding how they feel, I suggest looking for the grain of truth in what they are saying. Call it out. Own it. It works.

The next time a conflict arises in your relationship, ask yourself if you would rather be right or be together. If you want to be right, use the first 10 tips. If you want to be together, use the last 5. Either way, you can get exactly what you want!

My Eye Cream Also Treats Depression

At a dinner party recently, an attractive young woman shouted from the other end of the table, “Hey, Dr. Greg! What eye cream do you use?” This seemed to be an odd acknowledgment that my eyes didn’t look as old as my age would have her imagine. Should I have been flattered or insulted? Since I was a little of both, I decided to tell her both a truth and a lie. I shouted back, “Nothing!”

It’s true. I don’t use any creams or potions outside of basic moisturizer. I have never had Botox, Restylane, Paralox or any other injectable razzmatazz.

The only surgical knife that has ever touched my face was to remove a skin cancer thingy.

So what’s my “secret”? Exercise.

I can almost hear your groan of disappointment. It’s not something as simple as a lotion you could apply or a pill you could take—something easy to hold back the ravages of time and Sunday Fundays. And though every beauty ad would have you believe the answer to looking good is in a bottle, I am telling you that exercise is as close to a miracle drug as anything you will find.

I really have no idea whether exercise does anything for the skin around your eyes—which, with time, can begin to resemble a scrotum in cold weather. But I am telling you here and now that exercise is what people who look “good for their age” are really doing to look better. Don’t be fooled.

Now, allow me to let you in on a bigger secret—exercise doesn’t just make you look good, it can make you feel good. No, not that ‘endorphins’ twaddle that we’re all so sick of hearing people yammer about after a long run. I am talking a genuine long-term change in mood.

An October 2013 review of 26 years worth of literature in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine found that exercise not only treats depression, but it can also actually prevent it in the long term. Just 20-30 minutes of daily walking or gardening can ward off depression in people of all ages.

What about people with fairly severe depression? A walk may not cure what ails, yet it could help reduce the amount of pills one has to take. According to a four-year study by UT Southwestern Department of Psychiatry, exercise is as effective as giving someone a second antidepressant medication.

To get the best results, you may want to pick up the pace a bit. According to a report in the May 2013 edition of Journal of Psychiatric Practice, three to five sessions a week of 45-60 minutes of moderately intense aerobic exercise or resistance training (that’s treadmill and weights to you and me) is an effective treatment for major depression when combined with medication and psychotherapy.

Decreasing depression isn’t the only benefit. Exercise also alleviates anxiety and staves off stress. According to a 2012 study by the University of Georgia, published in the journal Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, exercise provided improvements in anxiety symptoms such as irritability, tension, low energy and poor sleep.

As with depression, these changes last. A research team at Princeton reported in the July edition of the journal Neuroscience that physical activity reorganizes the brain so that its response to stress is reduced and anxiety is less likely. Can it get any better than this? Apparently, yes.

Exercise even does some cool stuff like decrease cravings for nicotine in people trying to stop smoking, lowers triglycerides in your blood, has a protective effect against Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s and prevents brain degeneration in HIV-positive men. It also improves memory as well as or better than crossword puzzles and Sudoku according to a 2012 study by the University of Edinburgh in Scotland in the journal Neurology.

For those who already exercise, pat yourself on the back and keep up the good work! For the newbies, here are some tips.

1. START SLOWLY. Don’t exercise for 60 minutes a day when you have been doing zero minutes a day. Start with five minutes and keep adding.

2. QUASH QUICK FIXES. A friend of mine got liposuction to show off his abs. I took the same amount of money and put it into training sessions. At first he looked better, but guess who has better abs today?

3. GET A TRAINER. Exercise is a science. Learn from an expert. Good trainers will motivate you, teach you proper form and help you with lifestyle changes so that you change for the long haul.

4. REWARD YOURSELF. The best rewards are done just after a workout. A delicious protein shake, a favorite TV show or, my favorite, simply telling yourself “good job.”

5. GET A BUDDY. Working out with a friend will not only get you there but will keep you there when the going gets tough.

Oh yeah, screw “no pain, no gain.” Not surprisingly, when exercise is too difficult, people don’t enjoy it as much and are less likely to do it another day. That doesn’t mean you should make it super easy, either. According to a 2012 study published in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, when exercise is “somewhat hard” people enjoy it more and are thus more likely to repeat it. That’s when the benefit comes—when you repeat it, over and over again.

From a psychological point of view, exercise may be the best thing you can do for yourself outside of eating and sleeping. But I know the real reason you do it—to look better. And, what’s the crime in that? If you exercise to look better, then you will also get to feel better, remember more, learn more efficiently and have a better functioning brain. And just think of the money you’ll save on eye cream!

What Would Brian Boitano Do?

When Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson ruffled gay feathers across the nation by placing homosexuality in the same category as bestiality and saying that “a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus,” I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

He continues by squawking, “neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the Kingdom of God.” (And here I thought being left out of my parents’ will was bad.)

But them was fightin’ words to the folks at GLAAD, who have spent years saving us from the anti-gay trespasses of bullies who get a camera and microphone pointed at them.

Wilson Cruz—the cool, out gay actor who is now an even cooler spokes-savior at GLAAD—fired back immediately, saying, “Phil and his family claim to be Christian, but Phil’s lies about an entire community fly in the face of what true Christians believe.”

Now I am not going to argue with Mr. Cruz because (1) I believe he is probably correct, and (2) I really want to believe what he is saying even if he isn’t correct. But some statistics suggest that he is.

A 2013 Pew Research Center survey finds that 60 percent of those in the U.S. believe “Homosexuality should be accepted,” while only 30 percent disagree. And a healthy 44 percent percent of those who attend religious services once a week or more believe the same thing. So far I am putting my money on Mr. Cruz.

But, not surprisingly, a Christian research group called LifeWay found something a little different. Of those Americans surveyed in November 2012 by LifeWay, 44 percent believe “homosexuality is a sin.” And of those who attended religious services once a week, LifeWay found that 61 percent believed homosexuality is a sin. Chalk one up for Mr. Robertson.

So it seems to me that Mr. Robertson and Mr. Cruz are in a battle of ideologies where from each person’s perspective, he is correct. I have no doubts that Mr. Robertson’s friends and family would agree with Mr. Robertson, and Mr. Cruz’s friends and family would echo Mr. Cruz’s sentiments. And in the social sciences, those friends and family members are part of a person’s reference group.

A reference group is just what it sounds like—a group of people that you use to reference yourself and evaluate your behavior and the behavior of others. For Mr. Cruz, his reference group appears to be the hip and happening Christians, while for Mr. Robertson, his reference group appears to be Christians that happen to shoot from the hip.

By listening to and basing your behavior on your preferred reference group, you will gain status and kudos from those in that same group. So we tend to do it—without even questioning these beliefs or behaviors.

So Phil Robertson and Wilson Cruz appear to be locked in verbal fisticuffs about homosexuality and Christianity. And according to each person’s reference group, they are correct. But that still leaves us with the question of who is the winner.

This reminded me of the skirmish between my two favorite superheroes in the 1995 animated Christmas short entitled The Spirit of Christmas (but more popularly called “Jesus vs. Santa”) that served as the precursor to the series South Park. (And no, it is not because Phil Robertson looks like a dirty St. Nick and Wilson Cruz has angelic eyes.)

Confused about which one to help in the fight—Jesus or Santa—the kids stop and ask, “What would Brian Boitano do?”

In glides Brian Boitano. Brian Boitano is a figure skater who (among many other accomplishments) won a gold medal in the 1988 Winter Olympics and just so happened to have come out publicly as gay the very day after Phil Robertson opined about a man’s anus.

In the 1995 Christmas video, Brian Boitano says, “This is the one time of year on which we all try to get along no matter what we believe in. This is the season to be good to each other.” It inspires a resolution between the two.

During the 2013 Christmas dust-up between Phil Robertson and Wilson Cruz, Mr. Boitano skates in the next day to inspire another possible resolution by saying, “I am many things: a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, an athlete, a cook, an author, and being gay is just one part of who I am.”

So maybe that is the answer. Being gay is only one part of ourselves (albeit a pretty damn big part).

No matter what your belief system, condemning someone based on one aspect of them is flat-out wrong because you end up negating all of the other aspects of them that you (and your reference group) may find redeeming.

By the way, this applies to us, too, when we condemn people because they are conservative Christians, live in the swamps of Louisiana and take their fashion cues from ZZ Top.

The real winner here? A&E. All of this controversy means that ratings for the highest-rated cable reality show in history are about to get a little higher. Now that’s a perfectly executed Triple Lutz.

Getting What You Want in the New Year

Lose weight! Earn more! Ask his name first! New Year’s Eve has traditionally become a time when people make a resolution to change or achieve something in the coming year.

While some estimate that 40 percent of Americans make new year’s resolutions, only about eight percent end up sticking to them. The big bummer is that 25 percent don’t make it past the first week. Sound familiar? The problem is not in the making of resolutions. It is how people do it.

Resolutions are generally vague and open-ended changes that people vow to make because, frankly, in the previous year(s) they have seen some shortcoming in their lives such as gaining too much weight, earning too little money or sleeping around without the hope of a second date. But anyone who has achieved anything knows that “vague and open-ended” is a pathway to failure.

A resolution is a decision. But to have power that decision needs to be tied to a goal. Goals are a destination for our mind. They give us someplace to aim toward.

Think of your goal in much the same way you think of a physical destination. If you want to vacation at a beach resort, you don’t just pick any resort and go there—you think about what you want at that resort. What country do you want to visit? Is the resort friendly to gays? Is it clothing-optional? Do they have Zumba lessons? Then you determine where you are going.

Do the same process with your goal. Do you want to lose weight to be healthier, fit into those tiny seats at the theater or (like most of us) look more attractive? Figure out exactly what that is and keep it firmly in mind. Don’t just say you want to lose weight then rocket-launch yourself into a no-carb diet and manic gym attendance that you will surely abandon by President’s Day. It’s better to get a picture of exactly what you want and keep it firmly in mind.

Unlike conventional wisdom, it is the goal and not the journey that makes the real difference. Goals need to be definitive. According to a 2013 study by Panos Mitkidis of Aarhus University in Denmark, published in the scientific journal PLOS ONE, productivity improves when we know exactly what our goals are—instead of just following a process without really knowing where we are going. We do best to switch the focus to goals instead of focusing on processes. But a little competition doesn’t hurt either.

According to David Conroy at Penn State, in a study published in the November 2013 issue of the journal Sport, Exercise and Performance Psychology, when your goal is to outperform others, your feelings of pride will be amplified when you succeed, but when your goal is to avoid being outperformed by others, your feelings of shame will be amplified when you fail. Pride is known to invoke a boost of confidence, persistence and problem-solving ability, which can help people perform. And as any gay person knows, shame only brings on more problems.

Like any journey, you will need to have a map. For a goal, I suggest following my acronym, M.A.P.

Motivation: Think about your destination and what you will get once you arrive there. That will keep your motivation high like the proverbial carrot that is dangled in front of the horse to make it walk forward. The only difference is you will eventually get that carrot if you continue the journey. Follow the advice of David Conroy from the Penn State study—focus on what you will get by achieving the goal rather than on what you can lose by not doing so. And the pride you will feel when you achieve it will only help you to achieve future goals.

Assessment: Get concrete about where you are now, exactly where you want to go and what it is going to take to get there. Weight or money starting and ending points tend to be easier because they are based on numbers. (For example, “I weigh X and I want to weigh Y.”) But if your goal seems more vague, like “improve my relationship with my partner,” determine what that might look like and put it into concrete terms. Maybe you haven’t gone away together in a long while or you don’t eat dinner together regularly because of mixed-up schedules. What could you point to concretely and know that situation has improved? Eat dinner together one night a week for six weeks, then recommit? Schedule a vacation by summer?

Plan: Determine what you are going to have to do to get to your goal in the time determined by you. If you want to get across the country overnight, you don’t get in your car and drive—it would take too long. If you want to earn $10,000 more this year, you don’t remain stagnant in your current job—you ask your boss for a raise, get a higher paying job or find another source of income. Still, like travel, sometimes our plans get derailed. If so, be flexible and find another way, but don’t lose focus on the goal itself. Like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada when she was tasked with finding Meryl Streep’s character, Miranda Priestly, a way home during a snowstorm, things may appear impossible, but with persistence you can find another way there.

For every time you do something in service of your goal, give yourself a pat on the back. Reinforcement of your progress is like stopping at a gas station for more fuel. It will keep you going (at least for another week).

On New Year’s Eve, feel free to make your resolutions. But on New Year’s morning, turn that resolution into a concrete goal, map out your journey and go for it! You may just make your internal Miranda Priestly crack a smile.

6 Big Mistakes Gays Make at Holiday Gatherings

Everybody has the potential to be a drama queen during the holidays. Emotions run high, and the added stress makes everything worse. We are all running around with our panties in a wad while trying to buy that last-minute gift, decorate our Christmas trees and manage the onslaught of marginal friends and distant relatives.

According to a telephone survey of 768 adults done by Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research in 2006, 68 percent of people reported fatigue, 61 percent reported stress and 52 percent reported irritability during the holidays. This leads us to make some big boo-boos during holiday gatherings that can have a higher cost than the interest on our credit cards. Here are six of those mistakes and what to do about them.

1. Coming out at the holiday dinner table. Every year I hear of people doing this, and it is not just about sexual orientation either. It also can be about marriage, adoption, sobriety or HIV-status. When you do this you suddenly shift a dinner that is about everyone together and make it all about you.

Solution: Find another time to tell people. Important news is often best handled one-on-one or in small groups. If you must tell people when you are home for the holidays, I recommend making the day before the holiday, the holiday itself and the day after the holiday to be off-limits. Make those days about togetherness. Either come home early to share the news or stay another couple of days and tell them then. That way people have the breathing room to be able to absorb your news and show support.

2. Going home without your partner because your parents disapprove. Going without your partner would be like you agreeing with everyone concerned that your relationship is inferior or an abomination.

Solution: Your parents probably don’t like to be told what to do, so give them a choice. Either you come home with your husband/wife/partner or you don’t come home at all. The two of you are a package deal. And if they make you sleep in separate bedrooms, tell them they will have to do the same when they come to visit you. It’s only fair.

3. Eating too much. Most people gain one to two pounds during the holidays. That may not sound like much to you, but that’s like 10 pounds in gay weight. And most never lose it, so after a few years it really adds up!

Solution: Just like going to the grocery store, it is best not to arrive hungry or you will make bad decisions. Eat some protein 30-minutes before—it takes that long to feel full, and protein takes longer to digest, so you will eat less. Also, beware of the infamous “food pushers.” When people try to push hors d’oeuvres or extra helpings on us, we tend to eat them out of politeness. But if you say “no,” that should be that. If they continually push, they are being “food pushers.” The best way to handle a food pusher is to be firm but polite. Put your hand on their shoulder, look them in the eye and say, “Thank you, but no.” Repeat as necessary.

4. Drinking too much. Obligatory parties, awkward silences and mounting stress (or mounting other things) can all lead one to take extra sips of the holiday punch. Not only will drinking cause you to say and do things you will later regret, the ride home could be treacherous. Mothers Against Drunk Driving estimate that drunk driving accounts for 52 percent of traffic deaths during the holiday season.

Solution: Feel free to imbibe, but slow yourself down by alternating between alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. You will cut your consumption in half. And, do everyone a favor and take a cab or car service to the party (and back) so you aren’t tempted to drive (and swerve) home.

5. Texting, Grinding, Emailing. Ugh! Do I really have to say why this is tacky during a gathering at any time of the year? But at the holidays it is a special insult. It basically says to the people you are with that what is on the telephone is more important than they are.

Solution: If you must do it, include the other people. “I have to answer this text from my boyfriend. Do you mind?” or “Look at this hot guy I’ve been chatting with.” If you cannot share it because you really don’t want to show the hot guy’s dick pic to your mother and her bible study group, then take it to the place where we typically engage in behavior that others don’t want to see—the bathroom.

6. Planning the perfect dinner/party. We gays are good at making things perfect, and in doing so make those close to us and ourselves perfectly miserable. Personally, I think the only things that are meant to be perfect at the holidays are Martha Stewart’s house and the baby Jesus, so the rest of us can just relax.

Solution: Rather than focusing on impressing others, focus on making them feel comfortable. A loving embrace, quick chat and a holiday cocktail will make a bigger impression than a 27-foot pine adorned in Tiffany ornaments alongside a choir of imported orphans from some needy E astern Bloc country. Sure, more people may talk about the orphans with perfect pitch the next day, but more will fondly remember the welcome feeling the entire next year.

Do as the ‘80s group Frankie Goes to Hollywood recommends and “relax“ this season. Remember, you get to do it all again next year, so why not just focus on family, friendship and fun this year? You’ll be glad you did.

What Your Car Says About You

“It had to look cute, the color had to be cute and I had to look cute driving it.” —Car test by Janet on the ‘70s sitcom Three’s Company

I have a confession to make, I like cars. Maybe this isn’t such a revelation coming from a native of Southern California, where cars operate somewhere between ‘life necessity’ and ‘penile extension device.’ But being a gay man, I suppose I gravitate toward the latter. Gay women are far more practical.

Here in L.A., where so many gay boys drive leased Range Rovers and live in single apartments, the car seems to be a way for people to pretend they are something they aren’t while convincing others they are. Follow me? People’s cars may be as phony as their backstories (and noses).

But with the L.A. Auto Show currently running, I wondered exactly what a car says about the person who buys it—well, mostly myself and all my friends. Everyone has his theory, but lo and behold, the oversized brains at UC Davis actually did a study (funded by Daimler Chrysler, mind you) and published in the 2004 journal Transportation Research. Who knew?

Now, remember, this research was done on the general population, and like all things that apply to the general population, gay people are often notable exceptions, so take these findings with a grain of paprika.

SMALL CARS: Popular cars are the Prius, Honda Civic and BMW Mini. It’s no surprise that small car drivers tend to live in big cities (like L.A.) and may actually be concerned about the environment. Frankly, they also may be concerned about parking, but that didn’t come up in the survey, though it’s a huge advantage. They like to stay closer to home and don’t go away at the drop of a hat. They also tend to be loners and live in single-adult households. They generally are neither workaholics nor status-seekers as they are generally content and have nothing to prove. It is nice to see the small car is the choice for many big boys in the Bear community, where confidence and support tend to reign supreme.

There is one exemption, though—the Prius. The Prius became the go-to of the environmentally aware status-seeker in order to demonstrate they really are better than others. As South Park astutely pointed out, they have replaced the output of smog with ‘smug.’ Am I making this up? Nope. A 2012 study out of UC Berkley found that Prius drivers were as rude as BMW drivers. So you better get out of their way or else they will cut you off (at slower speeds).

MID-SIZED CARS: Popular cars are—well, I don’t know. Do you? I mean, do you know anyone who has a mid-sized car that wasn’t handed down to them by their parents? You probably do, but you forgot because the UC Davis research shows that mid-sized car owners have no distinct personality, lifestyle or travel preferences. Ouch! We can reframe the finding to say that mid-sized car owners are like secret agents who live among us unnoticed but have dynamic and diverse lives that cannot be pigeonholed.

Besides, anyone ‘in the know’ knows this is the car choice of the ‘old-money’ and ber-famous set—so they can avoid detection. This deal was sealed for me when, years ago, I saw Jackie O getting in the back of a beat-up steel blue Ford Fairmont in NYC.

LUXURY CARS: Popular cars are big BMWs, lower-alphabet Mercedes and a whole lotta Lexus. It’s no surprise that luxury car owners tend to be status-seekers—maybe that is why there are so many in L.A. amongst the newly monied and the wannabe famous. Oh, and the gay community. These drivers want others to see them as better than they see themselves. Luxury lead foots also tend to be older, richer and more educated, and there are more dudes in their fold.

Brett Berk, writer of the gay car blog at VanityFair.com, has called the BMW 7-series the unofficial gay car of Los Angeles. BMWs generally are the leader in this category, but the Berkeley study also associated BMWs with narcissists and people who don’t stop for pedestrians, so maybe we should rethink that one.

SPORTS CARS: Popular cars are Porsches, smaller BMWs and the little Lexus. Sports car drivers tend to be adventurous and are probably great to have sex with but a bitch to be in a relationship with as they tend to be ‘risk-taking’ and ‘variety-seeking.’ So if you see your date roll up in a sporty two-seater, invite him in for some fun but tell him you have to be somewhere more important in 15 minutes. Don’t fret—they like to go fast.

PICKUPS: Ford and Toyota are the popular names in this category. Truck owners tend to be middle-aged guys, but middle-aged women are catching up quickly. A 2004 R.K. Polk Survey found that American women bought more than 250,000 pickups. Lady truckers say it’s because pickups are higher, bigger and command more respect from other drivers.

According to the UC Davis study, pickup drivers tend to live in the outskirts of the city and are less satisfied with their lives. Probably because they also tend to be workaholics.

SUVS: These are station wagons on stilts. Every car company has one, but we gays tend to love the Audi Q5, the Lexus RX and the perennial Jeep. SUV road warriors tend to have a stronger travel freedom attitude—meaning they want to bust loose and go somewhere. But they’re not running away from anything, as they tend to feel satisfied with their lives. They tend to be under 40, highly educated and maybe even have higher incomes.

With the gayby boom in full-force, this has also become the minivan of the gayer persuasion. SUV owners just do it with more style. But all is not happy in SUV-land, as many are making the switch to smaller cars to help the environment and to avoid the shaming stares of Prius drivers.

Now, studies aren’t foolproof, and these findings are generalities. I mean, these researchers aren’t talking about you personally. (Or are they?) Like horoscopes, psychic readings and full-body scans, it’s fun to wonder if the findings truly describe you.

If you ask me, forget the car studies. Janet on Three’s Company had it right all along. Just find a car that has a cute style, a cute color and that you look really cute driving.

The Nudity Cure

Feeling Tired? Rundown? Listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Maybe you need to be around naked people.

Researchers at the University of Tampere and Aalto University—both in Finland—have found that viewing a nude body gets the brain working more efficiently. In a 2011 study, scientists found it takes less than 0.2 seconds for the brain to process pictures of nude or scantily clad human bodies. (I’ll bet they had no difficulty recruiting college students for that study.) In fact, the less clothing the models in the pictures were wearing, the faster their brains worked and the more they were aroused in the rest of their bodies as well (no surprises there).

So there is little doubt that many gay men and women will have faster-firing neurons during Palm Springs Pride—and specifically in and around the Warm Sands area, where the majority of gay clothing-optional resorts call home.

Now, I know that Palm Springs is not just a place to vacay nakay. It has long been a place where gay boys and girls go to unwind and be with our fellow homos. With a year-round population that is an estimated 40 percent gay, the frenzied parties of Dinah Shore and White Party weekends, the creativity of the LGBT Cinema Diverse Film Festival and being one of the top 10 cities in the country with the highest concentration of same-sex couples, it is truly our place.

In his book A City Comes Out: How Celebrities Made Palm Springs a Gay and Lesbian Paradise, David Wallace talks about the influx of gay Hollywood power brokers. Early Hollywood stars/hunks such as William Haines and Rock Hudson with his lover George Nader would go there to let loose without the fear of being outed. But, as Wallace writes, “It was the sexual freedom that was the most popular draw of Palm Springs,” and perhaps still is.

People take more sexual risks when they’re on vacation—whether straight or gay. A British study published in 1999 in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine showed an increase of visits to sexual health clinics following holiday periods. But the gay men tend to come out on top (so to speak) when it comes to having more new partners and more unprotected sex when compared to their hetero counterparts.

And it seems that the farther you go from home, the naughtier you’re gonna be. A 2001 study published in Clinical Infectious Disease showed that as many as 50 percent of travelers engage in casual sexual experiences while traveling. And, that was before hook-up apps!

But who exactly are the men frequenting these forbidden playgrounds? Are they filthy sex perverts or frustrated desperados? Neither appears to be true. And besides, Palm Springs is firmly on U.S. soil, so people aren’t as adventurous.

In a 2009 study published in the Journal of Homosexuality that specifically looked at men who vacation at gay resorts, of all the men who visited these resorts, only 24 percent even had sex with someone other than their partner (if they had one). A surprising three-quarters of the men were looky-loos! It was that 24 percent who tended to get busy.

In general, men who frequent these resorts tend to be more sexually active, and—if they go to the resort with the purpose of meeting other sex partners—hey tend to engage in riskier behavior than men who travel with a partner or without the intent of meeting a new boy toy.

It seems there is a lethal combination of sun, substances and sexual arousal that leads people to do things they wouldn’t do on their home turf. And there may be no place in the world that has a higher concentration of all three more than the clothing-optional resorts of Palm Springs. And the guests of these resorts are no slouches.

Gay-cationers who visit such resorts tend to be in relationships and have higher incomes. In that same 2009 study, it was reported that 33 percent made over $61K, and 54 percent were in relationships. And since you are probably wondering—only about one-quarter of those relationships allowed outside partners.

Most men frequent gay resorts not for the sex but for the camaraderie and ability to temporarily live in a world that is exclusively gay. And being naked may facilitate those connections. In a study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology back when you were allowed to do studies like this (1977), it was found that people who participated in a social nudity experience (versus a simple outing or nothing at all) disclosed more to each other than those in the other groups did. They also liked themselves better and even described the ‘body-disclosing’ day as a peak experience.

So, maybe the conclusion is this: If you want to make your brain work better, you should be around naked people. But if you want to make your social life better, you might want to shed some clothing yourself. And perhaps there is no better place to do it than Palm Springs.

Queen for a Day

We all want acceptance, and it’s especially sweet when we’re accepted for being a queen. That’s why it was it was so amazing to me that America’s first transgender high school homecoming queen, Cassidy Lynn Campbell, was at my alma mater, Marina High School in Huntington Beach.

Let me give you a run-down on the home of the Vikings, Marina High. It’s a big public school with 3,000 students (4,000 when I went there), mostly white and located along the coast in Orange County, right (and I use that word purposely) on the border with L.A. County—a deviding line that is often affectionately called “The Orange Curtain.” The area congressperson is the loudly conservative Dana Rohrabacher, who in August tweeted he would take out the “white trash” in addition to his party’s other targets—illegal immigrants, gays and “radical leftists”—who he believes are dragging this country down.

Students’ families range from a significant number of extremely wealthy households who struggle to keep the Republican trash haulers in office while they say their nightly prayers to Ronald Reagan to those who can’t seem to afford dock fees, so they park their boats on their front lawns (err, would this be the white trash Rohrabacher is referring to?). During the Prop. 8 election, nearly every lawn had a pro-Prop. 8 sign. While driving through, I remember feeling like Snoopy in a sea of ‘No Dogs Allowed’ signs.

As with most schools funded by high property values, Marina High is academically solid, students are relatively well-adjusted and the parking lot looks like a BMW dealership. For me, the main problem when I went there was that I was quite convinced I was the only student who was gay (or lesbian or transgender). Being called ‘gay’ or ‘fag’ was still the ultimate put-down, and those who really were kept their mouths firmly shut so their purses would never accidentally fall out.

The school did have its share of notable graduates, though. Dave Mustaine, of the metal bands Megadeth and Metallica and Keely Shaye Smith, TV host and wife of Pierce Brosnan, both attended with me. But it was when Kobe Bryant became engaged to his then-Marina high school girlfriend, senior Vanessa Laine, that that school got on the map. (Apparently it is quite the launching pad for those with long hair!)

Enter Cassidy Lynn Campbell.

Interviews with classmates at Marina revealed that Cassidy was indeed well-liked and well-known at school— two essential ingredients in the quest for the crown. But also, in the previous year she was living full-time as a female, perhaps the most essential ingredient of all.

Oh, sure, you are going to tell me of other examples, such as a gay college student winning homecoming queen along with his female friend who won king at Northern Arizona University. Or the lesbian couple who won homecoming king and queen at Patrick Henry High School in 2011 in San Diego. Or even the fictional example of Justin, who won homecoming queen on Ugly Betty only to give up the crown to his mother.

There is something special about this victory because it helped society grow one step closer to seeing gender not just as something that is assigned by others based on the body parts doctors see when you come out of the womb. Gender is also something in your head. And when the two don’t match, it can be a long and very difficult road.

For a brief moment in time, it appeared the world had accepted someone like Cassidy. The world of one high school, at least. And as most of us know, this can be the cruelest world of all.

The dark side of this new world is that it also has electronic social media such as Facebook and Twitter—the modern version of a voodoo doll. There people can and do say extremely vile and hurtful things that they would most assuredly not say if the person were standing in front of them. And so, as high as Cassidy rose on the night of homecoming was the emotional depth she fell to after the online bullies were unleashed.

Estimating the incidence of transgender individuals has been difficult because of the immense ostracism and shame they experience. The Williams Institute of UCLA estimates approximately 1 in 300 people are transgender. That would mean that at Marina High School alone, there were about nine other transgender teens who watched Cassidy get the crown. And think of all the other teens at all the other high schools around the nation and the world that got to witness the possibility of acceptance—or at least popularity—at its highest level.

So crowns off to Queen Cassidy! You stood up for who you are and won. Thank you for being an inspiration to the many you know but also the many, many more you will never know. By being yourself, you helped make it safe for other future queens to walk down the red carpet.

The Invisible Man

By the time you read this, I will be invisible. No, it’s not because I invented some cool secret potion, nor am I sitting on top of a nuclear waste dump. Rather it’s because I am turning… well, it starts with an ‘f,’ and f-words (er, numbers) like that are just too profane to put into print.

My powers of invisibility are not in my work or relationships. With both I enjoy far better success and satisfaction than I have ever felt in the past. And they’re certainly not with people who want money or favors. Someone seems to have written my number on all of their restroom walls.

My invisibility is in areas I really didn’t care about in the past and probably won’t miss in the future—gay bars and sex apps.

Now, I am not on any sex apps— things like Grindr, Scruff or Adam4Adam—but I have done my fair share of research. Besides being a useful tool for the busy gay guy on the go, I also see them as God’s gift to the socially awkward.

We all like to order in once in a while, right?

At the risk of sounding like a complete narcissist, I can still walk into a bar and enjoy an annoying amount of attention. Though I once secretly believed they saw me as good-looking, now I just think they recognize me from TV. The truth is probably somewhere in-between.

So where’s my beef, Clara Peller? (If you’re not old enough to know who she is, Google her). My beef is the loss. Loss of a power I rarely used. I mean, even though Samantha Stevens lived her life like a mortal on Bewitched, she did get bummed when her magic powers were taken away.

And so it is true for many women as they age. Though (mostly straight and bi) women spend much of their life trying to prevent pregnancy, when the day comes that they can no longer procreate, they go through a grieving process as well.

Let’s face it. Being young and good-looking has power in gay society—well, in the gay male society. I see much more respect and reverence for women of a certain age in the lesbian community, but even that is starting to change.

Even if in most situations I stick out because of my height, loud mouth or I just tripped and knocked over a tray of food, I still know it’s coming. Losing my imagined sex appeal in a mythical Craigslist ad is only the beginning.

I think that is what this mid-point in life offers, a view of the past and a glimpse of the future. Eventually—if I am lucky enough to live that long—I will take a ride in Wonder Woman’s invisible plane with everyone else who is lucky enough to get there too.

Oscar Wilde once said, “Youth is wasted on the young.” True dat. But could there be times when age is wasted on the old?

Yes! Especially when the old don’t learn from the past and appreciate what they have in the present. This is going to be especially important now that we are living longer and having better quality lives as we age.

According to a study published just this month in American Journal of Public Health, not only are we living two years longer than the previous generation, we also have fewer disease symptoms and physical limitations. Basically, we are living longer and healthier lives than ever before.

That’s great, because older people also have some cool advantages over the young that may somewhat compensate for no longer getting free drinks at a bar or having sex without the use of a blue pill or a VISA card.

Luckily for people like us, those who cross into the second half of life generally have a happier outlook than their younger counterparts. Even the gay ones. They feel more competent and in control.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, they have better judgment and make decisions faster than a teen cheerleader’s topless selfie can be texted to her entire high school—and that’s fast.

What is especially great is that these new oldsters are less neurotic than they used to be. It seems that getting older means not sweating the small stuff quite as much. And it couldn’t come at a better time.

Another finding from the study is that younger people have more anxiety, walking problems and other issues related to a sedentary lifestyle than ever before. So they will literally be sweating the small stuff, in mind and body.

So older people are going to have to be in good shape to push the youngsters’ wheelchairs to the pharmacy to pick up their Xanax. Won’t it be nice to still be needed?

So though I may need to get used to being called “sir” outside of the Folsom Street Fair, and I may never be carded again, I should also brace myself for what appears to be a happier and more content life ahead. That I can do.

And if I am lucky to live long enough to take that ride in Wonder Woman’s plane with a lot of other people who are invisible to the outside world, I hope they serve cocktails, because it is going to be one hell of a party!