12 Dating App Turn-Offs

Whether you prefer Grindr, Scruff, Tinder or Growlr, your profile is a window into who you are. Unfortunately, many guys reveal ugly parts of themselves and scare away quality men. Don’t know if you’re doing it? Here are the biggest profile turn-offs that make men swipe left:

1. NO-NO NANNETTE:“No fats, no femmes, no Asians.“ “No sups, woofs or smiles.“ Can you really not tolerate a size-challenged Asian sending you a smile? It shows that you are both narrow-minded and a control queen. Eliminate the word “no“ from your profile entirely. Don’t like someone? Don’t respond. Simple.

2. LECTURING:Strong opinions about open relationships? Bareback sex? Faceless profiles? Keep it to yourself, Judge Judy. Say what you like to do, not who you think others should be.

3. HEADLESS HORSEMEN:Is your profile pic just of your chest, crotch or cat? OK, we get it—your job and boyfriend can’t know you’re trolling along with the rest of the gay world. Your torso may get a few curiosity seekers, but if you want more dates, you have to show some face.

4. LIST MAKERS:It’s nice someone wants to share his 25 favorite things, but that’s an attention-loser. Any “list“ should be between 3-5 things max. Longer than that and one of two things happens: he loses attention and swipes left, or he focuses on how different you are from him and swipes left.

5. NOVEL WRITING:Writing excessively long profile statements doesn’t help generation A.D.D. Save your confessional for date four. Keep things brief, polite and good-humored. Did I say brief?

6. CODE BREAKING:Overuse of emojis, text graphics and slanguage is too much work. These things are like Pig Latin. Hearing a word or two is cute, but deciphering a whole sentence is annoying.

7. MIRROR, MIRROR:“Have a body like me! Be white like me! Be hung like me! Be just like me!“ We get it. You want to fuck yourself. But if you want to score someone better than you, shut the hell up. No quality guy wants to be told what he should be. Besides, like-minded men will be attracted to what you are presenting. Present something hot, and nature will take its course.

8. COMPULSIVE CLEANING:“I’m clean, and you should be, too.“ Since most people bathe, let’s guess you’re talking about HIV, or the lack thereof. Are you seriously saying people with HIV are dirty? You need to have your brain washed out with soap. If you wish to announce your status, just say “poz“ or “neg.“ After 25 years, most gay men have figured out what those mean. And don’t say what status someone else should be. Rather, if you don’t want to catch HIV, take PrEP and practice safer sex.

9. SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA:“You should be fit, you should be hung, you should be a top.“ Ick! You sound more like a school marm than a hot man. While you’re eliminating the word “no“ from your profile, toss “should“ out the window with it.

10. DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO:“You should have a face pic“ … but the demander is a Headless Horseman. “You should be fit“ … but the demander has flab. These demands are “shoulds“ with a twist. Leaving demands out of your profile is best, but if you’re going to make one, be sure you can provide the same you demand of others (except the whole top/bottom thing).

11. THE ASS CEILING:“No one over 40! Sorry old guys“ or “No one under 8 inches!“ Numerical limits are so limiting! Rather, list your own age and size (or whatever else). Then when someone contacts you, it’s fair to ask about his. If he doesn’t meet your requirements, politely decline or, better yet, block him and disappear! He’s better off without you.

12. BAD BACKGROUNDS:Profile pics with uncleaned rooms, toilets or girlfriends? Yikes! If you are going to take a selfie, be just as concerned with what’s behind you as your sultry expression. The eye does wander, you know.

Basically, if you don’t want to attract flies, don’t smear your profile with crap. So what’s the right way to make a profile that gets you maximum results? Be specific about yourself, and be general about what you want. That’s it. Make the bait clear and appealing, and then cast a wide net. The perfect man will find you.

Are You Addicted to Your Phone?

Your phone is an addiction machine. It’s like having a casino in your pocket with lots of little slot machines (apps) that continually beg for your attention with buzzes, dings and flashes. Then it rewards you for glancing at it with treats in the form of texts, pics and likes. Only the sound of clanking quarters is missing.

Whenever you check your phone, you don’t know if it will be a text from that hot guy you met out while your boyfriend was home studying (ka-ching), an email from your mom (clank clank), more likes on your Facebook post (ding, ding, ding) or Kris Kardashian asking you to enter a sham marriage with Kendall Jenner because she loves your mirrored muscle selfies on Instagram (jackpot).

Most of the time, there is nothing (silence). Then a little while goes by and you, pretending to wonder what time it is, check your phone again. Each check is a metaphorical lever pull on the slot that happens an average of 150 times per day—all in hopes of getting more of those precious treats.

The reason you get hooked to your phone is something called Variable Ratio Reinforcement, a fancy psychological term that means your treats come in an unpredictable pattern (just like slot machines). So the more you play, the more your brain thinks something good is just around the corner. Eventually you’re hooked.

Dating apps are the worst offenders. (OK, I realize dating isn’t exactly what these apps are for.) Apps like Scruff, Grindr and Tinder are more like man catalogues that allow you to quickly check out the wares in your area before requesting package delivery.

Much like the more generic slot machines of Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, dating apps give you unpredictable reinforcements like woofs, unlocks and matches—and lots of “Hey” and “Sup.” But unlike those other platforms, dating apps center around one primary goal: sex. The resulting sexual arousal when looking at these apps makes us feel more powerful, more alert and more alive. That makes them the most enticing slot machines (slut machines?) in your pocket casino.

When the day comes to delete your dating apps (for the hundredth time), you still have all your other pocket slots to play with: Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, texts, WhatsApp, et cetera. Not to mention games like Candy Crush that work on these same principles.

I’m not saying you need to enter rehab or give up apps altogether, but I am saying you might want to wake up to the fact that you’re less in charge of your obsession with that little brick in your pocket than you think. It’s hijacking your brain, and the consequences can be bad.

How many reading this right now have had a fender-bender due to checking your phone while driving, or have incited an argument because you were texting while your boyfriend told you about his day? Perhaps you were passed over for a promotion at work because whenever the boss walks by you are looking down at your phone.

Maybe you need to be more in charge of your time and attention. If you’ve been able to read this entire article without checking your phone, you’re on your way. Let’s see if you can take it to the next level. For one week, try these:

1. Driving: Put your phone in the trunk every time you drive. If you’re a passenger, keep it in your pocket and converse with the driver.

2. Eating: Leave the phone in another room when you’re having a meal (or your car if in a restaurant), either alone or with another.

3. Sleeping: Turn your phone off completely one hour before bed, and keep it off for one hour after you wake up. That should be a total of 10 hours per day.

If you can’t do any of these, your little casino has you hooked. If you can only do one or two, you have some dependence issues, and you need to start practicing moderation. If you can do all three, congratulations, you are the one in charge … for now.

Are You Too Old For Pride?

Bette Davis famously said, “Growing old isn’t for sissies.“ The only problem? Sissies get old, too. And when they do, they’re likely to feel depreciated and socially invisible, according to a December 2015 study in the journal Science and Medicine.

Many who have passed the age of 50 feel invisible. Not because people bump into them, but because they look right through them. This makes Pride especially difficult now that it has morphed away from its political roots into a big party where celebrity appearances and all-but-naked dancers (and dancing) are the reasons many go.

This problem is known to many in our community. Those with visible disabilities, more than a few extra pounds or ethnic differences often feel see-through. It’s a feeling that eventually extends to everyone else as youth and attractiveness begin to fade. It’s like having a personal stock market crash—one’s value goes down.

To find out the effects of this, UCLA professor Richard Wight and colleagues studied 312 gay men over 30 years. The men ranged in age from 48-78 (average of 61) and 61% of them were HIV-negative.

The study asked questions that most older gay men think but dare not say: “Aging is especially hard because I am a gay man,“ “As I get older, I feel more invisible when I am with other gay men“ and “As I get older I feel pressured to look younger than my age.“

What they found is that the over-valuing of youth and beauty (ageism) in gay male culture—combined with old-fashioned self-loathing (homophobia)—really starts to eat at these men, creating what the authors call “internalized gay ageism.“ The effect? They feel depressed.

These men then take themselves out of the game because they no longer feel valued by the other players. These are the same men who came out of the closet to create the visibility and acceptance we have today, had sit-ins and marches to gain the rights we now take for granted and lived through our community’s devastation by AIDS.

To feel valued, the study found that one thing matters above all: mattering. It’s the degree to which people feel they are an important part of the world around them. That comes from believing that others think about them, seek their advice and care what happens to them. But how is that going to happen if one stays at home or is ignored once he leaves it?

Maybe we can’t expect ourselves to stop drooling over smooth-skinned Adonises, but we can make room in our busy drooling schedule to be nice and say hello to someone who made a difference in our lives by blasting open the sealed closet door in theirs.

Being gay 30, 40, 50 years ago was vastly different than it is today. These seasoned men paved the streets we are now able to march (and dance) down. Help them know they matter in your life and in their own.

Prescription Drug Abuse: A Bitter Pill to Swallow for LGBTs

If you’ve ever pilfered a pill from your parents’ medicine cabinet, borrowed an ADHD drug from a college friend or taken more than your doctor’s prescribed dosage, congratulations! You’ve abused a prescription med. Pills have become all the rage, and not just because they’re the dance floor-portable, legal, low-cal alternative to alcohol. It’s because they’re just so easy to get—as easy as the swipe of your physician’s pen.

The rates for substance abuse in the LGBT community are thought to be two to three times higher than in the general population. One reason? Chronic Minority Stress brought on by years of bullying and family rejection that later turns to stigma and discrimination.

According to research in the 1999 Annual Review of Psychology, untreated chronic stress can result in serious health conditions, including anxiety, insomnia and muscle pain—all conditions that have people calling a physician, most leaving with a prescription to a potentially addictive drug.

But who am I to fault a lady (or ladyboy) in pain? Especially if the drug helps soothe physical suffering that may have been brought on by a lifetime of societal abuse. Frankly, I’m just sick of people dying at an early age!

According to the Centers for Disease Control, approximately 24,000 deaths were caused by an overdose of prescription medication in 2015, and it’s on the rise. Addictive drugs are used to treat all the maladies on the gay hit parade: ADHD, fat, anxiety and sleeplessness.

Still, there is one standout drug among the others: opiates. Used for pain, it’s the big daddy of addiction and eventual death. Opiates account for 72% of prescription drug deaths (or 17,000 per year), which averages out to 46 people each day.

Not a newcomer to the party scene, opiates have been around for thousands of years. Derived from the poppy plant, opium or heroin may come to mind, but the real star players on the pharmacy team are Oxycontin, Vicodin, Percocet, Codeine and their synthetic cousin, Fentenyl.

One study in 2010 presented in the Journal of Addiction Medicine looked at 75 patients hospitalized for opiate addiction. More than half said their first taste of the opiate was through a legal prescription for pain after surgery or injury.

Once the addiction takes hold and the doctor-shopping dries out, things take a darker turn. In the study, 92% said they eventually bought the drugs off the street—primarily heroin—because it was both cheaper and more potent than prescription pills.

If these drugs are so dangerous, why haven’t we done away with them altogether? Well, if you’ve ever had a debilitating accident, surgery or cancer, you wouldn’t ask. Needless suffering can completely incapacitate someone. These drugs help the sufferer become more autonomous, form friendships, care for family members and, yes, participate in their own recovery from the condition that had them taking the pills in the first place.

If you need higher doses or have withdrawal symptoms, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re addicted. It could mean that you’re simply physically dependent on the drug. Addiction is a chronic disease that is characterized by compulsive use of the drug that causes harm or life dysfunction. And the addict continues to use despite harm to his body, family, relationships, job and personal welfare.

So how do you know if you’re addicted? The following seven signifiers apply to all prescription medications.

1. You think about the meds a lot.

If your meds occupy your mind more than sex, your fat percentage or Kylie Jenner, you need to take note.

2. You take more than prescribed.If one works, five should work better, right? Wrong.

3. Doctor-shopping.Do you visit more than one doctor for the same “pain”? Lie to your doctor or go to a “pill-mill?” You have a problem.

4. You get your drugs from more places than the pharmacy.The internet, your trainer, a friend who never checks his medicine cabinet. Hmmm.

5. You’ve been using the pills for a while now.You started with genuine pain but now re-enact scenes from Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl to get more? If you’re not dead yet…

6. You feel angry if someone talks to you about your use.How dare they?! But if they didn’t care about you, they wouldn’t say a thing, right?

7. You’re not you.Everyone else sees this before you do, because apparently every mirror in your place is broken. (Revert to number 6 if they say something.)

If you started taking pain pills for medical reasons, talk to your doctor first. (Yes, the person who prescribed these to you in the first place.) The benefits of these drugs sometimes outweigh costs. Be truthful about your use and its effects. You may just be dependent but not suffering from addiction. If you want to cut down or stop altogether, you still need a doctor’s help.

Why? Because getting off the drugs is a bitch.

For opiates, ceasing use is like having a severe flu; nausea, fever, body aches, itching and profuse sweating are common, along with high levels of anxiety and even panic. It’s so bad that many will do anything to avoid it (including going to the streets to buy heroin). Most will benefit from a medically supervised detox.

When seeking help, you’ll want to find a specialized treatment for opiates —or your drug of choice—and LGBT issues. Since those are rare, you can split things up. Get detoxed first, then transfer to a facility that has the staff and program to treat the real psychological pain of growing up “other than hetero.”

If you chose to go the outpatient route, combine treatment with your physician and mental health professional or program that specializes in both LGBT issues and prescription drug abuse. You’ve compromised your health up until now. It’s time to get real help.

Do You Have a Drinking Problem? Answer These 4 Questions

Gays can put it down—alcohol, that is. Most studies have found that 20-25% of gay men and lesbians are heavy alcohol users, compared with 3-10% of heteros. Some argue the rate is going down in younger populations but attribute the switch to less-caloric pills and powders. (Not exactly a promotion.) Nonetheless, booze is still number one in the gay community.

Denial is a bitch, and most people who have alcohol problems either don’t realize it or refuse to admit it, even to themselves. A DUI, loss of job or relationship or even liver failure can still have people pointing to everything but their bestie, firewater. Luckily, there are some brief screening tools to help you know if you need to talk about your problems with someone other than your bartender.

The most famous screener of all is the CAGE questionnaire. It’s a four-question quiz where you only need to answer “yes” to two questions to pass! Well, here, passing is really failing, as it means you may have a drinking problem. Reflect on your lifetime of drinking and answer away:

C: Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?

A: Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?

G: Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?

E: Eye opener—have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover?

Did you answer yes to at least two? If so, you probably need to talk with an expert. If you answered “yes” to only one of the questions, let’s just hope it wasn’t E (the eye opener). A “yes” to the Eye Opener question means probable alcohol dependence, as you’re probably going through morning withdrawal, thus the need for a wake-up drink.

And if you can’t make it through four questions without needing a refill, fear not. A Boston Medical Center study appearing in the 2009 Journal of General Internal Medicine found that another question accurately identifies unhealthy alcohol use. For men: “How many times in the past year have you had five or more drinks in a day?“ For women: “How many times in the past year have you had four or more drinks in a day?“

There is no specific cut-off, but frankly, if you are doing this one or more times per week, we need to talk. Five drinks isn’t that difficult to do in a 24-hour period. How many times have you found yourself finishing a bottle of wine, a six-pack of beer, a half-pint of hard liquor or one 10-ounce martini at The Abbey?

Is that you? It’s a lot of us. I, for one, have enjoyed my share of Abbey martinis, and I am quite partial to good tequila. Luckily, even if we do answer “yes” to these screens, that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re a boozer, a user or a loser. Still, we don’t want to slip into denial mode either. If this is you, think twice about how much you are putting down.

I could scare any gay man by disclosing all the calories in alcohol: 100-150 for a bottle of beer, 125 for a glass of wine and 100 for a shot. OK, there I said it. For the record, a six-pack of beer is between 600-900 calories, a bottle of wine is 600-625 calories and a half-pint of hard liquor is around 500.

I don’t know the caloric count of an Abbey 10-ounce martini, but I do know the average martini is 2.25 ounces, which is about 125-150 calories. The “Big Gulp” of martinis at The Abbey has over four times that amount, which brings the count to 500-600 calories! This is the first time I’ve done that estimate, and let’s just say it’s also the first time I hoped The Abbey watered down their martinis.

Calorie counts aside, it’s not bad to go out and have fun drinking with your buddies now and then, but if you find it becoming a pattern and you answer in the affirmative to the screens above, maybe it’s time to talk to a pro.

© 2016 Gregory L. Cason, PhD

How Biophilia Can Keep You Horny and Healthy

We all know gay men can be kinky, so let’s make room for one more fetish—biophilia. Unlike other peccadilloes that require tolerance of pain, oversized props or unfortunate smells, biophilia is one I recommend everyone get into and engage in as frequently as possible. Sure, it’s also the name of a Björk album, and if you listen to it, she illustrates the word’s meaning: attraction or affinity for life itself. But it’s not just the selfish desire to be alive so we can engage in all the fun things that eventually kill us; it’s the connection to a greater life than us, nature in all its glory—forests, mountains, rivers, lakes, oceans and the like.

Trees and plants are big reasons why these places are so beneficial. They aren’t just pretty to look at, but they better our health by giving us oxygen to breathe, by making nutritious foods and by producing medicinal substances. They provide protection from the sun and give us wood to build things. But perhaps their most unknown benefit is that exposure to places with lots of flora is associated with better mental health.

The Japanese have a word for it—shinrin-yoku, or “forest bathing”—referring to the well-being found by spending time in nature. But it isn’t just the beautiful things we see that help us feel better. (Otherwise we could surround ourselves with ‘70s forest wallpaper and Star Trek holograms.) It’s also the things we inhale.

The key may be negative ions. (If you just winced, chances are you were hoodwinked into buying a negative ion machine from an airplane catalog, only to be left with a thin layer of black particles on your curtains, walls and furniture.) Negative ions are odorless, tasteless and, except for the residue they create, invisible. Still, they pack a wallop. Ion researcher Michael Terman, PhD, of New York’s Columbia University, has found that negative ions relieve depression just as well as antidepressants in those with Seasonal Affective Disorder or chronic depression.

But the amount you need to lift your mood is unlikely to come from any machine. Most machines sold in those catalogs don’t produce enough negative ions to have an effect. So rather than shopping for a solution, unplug and go to the source—forests, parks and moving water, especially rivers, waves and waterfalls. That’s where negative ions are highest—where life is thriving.

Center for Applied Cognitive Sciences researcher and Owners Manual for the Brain author Pierce J. Howard, PhD, says, “Negative ions increase the flow of oxygen to the brain; resulting in higher alertness, decreased drowsiness and more mental energy.” Some even say it stimulates sexual desire and behavior.

Maybe that’s why gay groups for hiking, camping and rafting, and events like gay ski weeks, do so well. They bring hot, sexy, outdoors-minded men together to have fun and enjoy nature as only a gay biophiliac can.

Because most of us live in a concrete jungle, getting away to a place where nature is bigger than ourselves can bring us back to the source. So before you make an appointment with your doctor to get an antidepressant, maybe you should first call up your travel agent and set up two weeks in nature to see if that helps. Too shy to join your fellow men on a group vacation? Grab a sleeping bag and go enjoy nature on your own. If time is a problem, or perhaps even between vacations, local tree-covered spots like Griffith Park and Fryman Canyon can give you that biophilic fix to keep you feeling good.

Last, keep in mind that you have a natural negative ion producer at your disposal anytime: your shower. Every time you rinse off, stop and take a deep negative ion-filled breath, thanking nature for providing the water that cleanses, fuels and heals you. Let’s just hope the drought police don’t get wind of your new fetish.

Off the Couch: Ask the Marriage Magic Eight Ball

So you’re (finally) dating a guy? Will this one lead to a trip down the aisle or to the dumpster? Usually those answers are best left to a Magic Eight Ball, but now, just by assessing what kind of couple you are, you may be able to tell if the two of you will make it or break it.

Brains out of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign have determined just that. They studied 170 dating couples (and 36 individuals whose relationships didn’t quite make it) over nine months. Four distinct couple types emerged, and figuring out which one you fall into could determine whether you should be shopping for wedding rings or renewing your Scruff membership.

1. Drama Queens

Dramatic couples made up 34% of the sample. The biggest group! These couples often have similar interests and traits, but in this case, similarity breeds contempt. Drama Queens need an audience, like with their separate groups of friends who are quick to shout back, “You deserve better, hunty!” (Especially the single ones happy to welcome you back into singledom.)

Being in a relationship like this feels like being on a roller coaster—scary, exciting and eventually nauseating. When one finally gets off, he could miss the thrill of it and get right back on again. Unfortunately, each time will be less and less exciting, and other rides will begin to look much more enticing.

Marriage Eight Ball says: “Don’t count on it.” The drama will keep you from deepening your commitment. You’re the most likely to break up.

2. Conflict Connies

Making up 12% of the sample, these conflict-ridden couples were more focused on disagreements in their relationship than any other group. But if you hear them (and you will), they’ll reassure you, “The best part of fighting is making up!” This group is about “passionate love.” For those who may never have been lost in its abyss, this “passion” is a nicer word for lust, which results in feelings of instability and loss of control. It’s like being high, except legally.

 Marriage Eight Ball says: “Better not tell you now.” Just bringing up the idea of marriage will start an argument, but you probably aren’t going anywhere because the sex is so hot.

3. Social Butterflies

Defining themselves by social engagements and group memberships, these socially involved couples made up 19% of the sample. Whether it’s a circuit party, the opera or Disneyland, they do it together. RSVPs may be their most common activity, but outside the parties, they’re not likely to make a lot of noise—either in the bedroom or the boxing ring. That’s because it’s less about passion and more about friendship.

“Friendship-based love” results in higher levels of satisfaction than “passion-based love.” That and a slew of family and friends that help strengthen the couple’s identity and give them support. This may also be the same reason arranged marriages do as well as they do.

Marriage Eight Ball says: “Signs point to yes.” Marriage doesn’t worry either of you, and you both want to keep having fun with each other, which allows deeper levels of commitment.

4. Three-Legged Larrys

These partner-focused couples make up 30% of the sample and seem fused at the hip as if they just came from a three-legged race. Like the Drama Queens, they have similar interests and traits, but unlike them, those similarities only strengthen their bond. They truly value the relationship they’re in and give it high marks.

Like the Social Butterflies, this group tends to have more “friendship-based love,” but here they become each other’s social supports and tend to spend more time with each other than going to parties or gatherings. Of all the groups, the Three-Legged Larrys have the highest relationship satisfaction. Ultimately, these are the relationships that endure the longest.

Marriage Eight Ball says: “It is certain.” Start picking out the china pattern, because marriage is the next logical step.

Did the Marriage Eight Ball not give you the answer you want? Stop playing games and get real with yourself. Are you a drama queen? Prefer passion to friendship? Blame most of your relationship problems on your partner? If so, you need to do some real work. Either that or start brushing up on your woofs.

10 Questions Everyone in a Relationship Has (But is Afraid to Ask!)

Romantic comedies and Disney flicks end when the star-crossed couple finally gets together and lives “happily ever after.” But do they really? Anyone who’s been in a relationship knows that trite phrase generally lasts about six months before the doubt starts to creep in. Whether you’ve made it to six months or six years, it’s not unusual to have difficulty bringing up delicate problems with your partner—not the big dealbreakers but the uncertainties that plague every couple. To help you avoid sitting on that angst, I address the 10 most common questions that come up for gay men in relationships, including the ones you feel uncomfortable asking.

1. Now that we’re married, will things change?

Answer: Perhaps not right away, but yes.

Though most things don’t change, gay couples who get married tend to take on more traditional gender roles. That means one may end up cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids while the other may be the breadwinner. Couples who don’t legally marry tend to share those tasks more evenly.

Others’ view of you also changes. Outsiders—especially those of the heterosexual persuasion—start to put more heteronormative expectations on your relationship, especially monogamy and having kids.

2. How can I stop him from doing annoying things?

Answer: You can’t. (But that doesn’t meanyou shouldn’t try.)

All partners do annoying things, from texting during dinner to leaving the cap off the lube. As long as it doesn’t threaten his or your health, or the relationship itself—like binge-drinking or PNP antics, which require a more serious approach—then you do the following:

First, tell your partner you’re annoyed by what he’s doing and ask him to change. If he does, even partially, give him support and praise for every positive step. Focus only on what he does well, not what he fails to do. If the annoying habit persists, continue your gentle persuasion but add in acceptance for yourself.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you like something; it means you’re letting go of your demand that he change it. You’ll feel less burdened as a result, and you’ll be able to focus on other things. If you do achieve acceptance, you won’t be leaving an otherwise good relationship because of a silly annoyance.

3. We never fight. Is that a good thing?

Answer: Not necessarily.

The key is whether the conflict is constructive or destructive. Constructive conflict focuses on the problem at hand, seeks an agreed upon solution and each person accepts responsibility for his part; it works to strengthen the relationship. Destructive conflict picks on the other person, brings in resentments from the past and each person seeks to “win” the argument; it works to weaken the relationship.

But if you never have any conflict, your relationship may be in trouble! “Conflict-free” couples are usually avoiding issues that need to be resolved, and they usually end up drifting apart.

4. Will this last forever?

Answer: Nobody knows, not even your high-priced psychic.

It’s best to assume your relationship will last forever (which generally means until one of you dies) and live in the present accordingly. Letting go of the fear that your relationship will end frees you up to make things better right now. A better question to ask is, Does my partner make me smile? If the answer is yes, then you’re on the right track. If no, you have some work to do.

5. Is it time to open things up sexually?  

Answer: It’s time to talk with your partner.

It’s your relationship, so you and your partner can create whatever kind of rules you both wish. Newer relationships are more likely to be monogamous, especially at the very beginning, but as time passes, couples often have a discussion about the possibility of opening things, though only half end up doing so.

Age plays a role as well. Younger gay men often expect monogamy, but that expectation can lead to an abrupt ending of the relationship when temptation appears. Older men tend to be more flexible about sexuality in relationships. That, along with improved empathy and general life stability, enables them to have longer and more satisfying relationships.

6. What if I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore?

Answer: That doesn’t mean it’s over.

Decreases in sexual attraction and activity are normal. There’s an old adage: If you put a penny in a jar each time you had sex during the first year of your relationship, then took a penny out every time you had sex after that first year, when you die you’d still have pennies left in the jar.

For some couples, less (or none at all) is fine. If that’s not for you, there are many things you can do to reignite the flame of the relationship. It may be as easy as getting back on the, uh, horse, or it may require something more complicated, like working out pent-up resentments. Start by talking with your partner. If that doesn’t get very far, see a therapist.

7. How do I keep my partner satisfied?

Answer: Give him what he wants.

There’s one nugget that will solidify your relationship for the long haul: support your partner in his dreams. Does he dream of running for office, creating art, moving to Seattle, maybe meeting Britney Spears? No matter what it is—even if it’s far-fetched or unlikable to you—find a way to support it. And if you don’t know what his dreams are, find out immediately!

8. Is it better to be single?

Answer: The grass is always greener on the other side.

Single people have it great. They can live their lives without having to answer to someone else. But ask most single people and they will tell you that you have it better (and perhaps you do). People in relationships are generally happier, healthier and live longer than singles. That isn’t to say that relationships aren’t filled with work and heartache, but overall you’re standing on the most ideal ground, so appreciate what you have.

9. Should we have kids?

Answer: Proceed with caution.

A child is one of life’s great gifts, but you’ll need to fasten your seatbelts, because having a first child can cause more unhappiness than divorce, unemployment or even death of a partner. The reason, according to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, is social isolation.

To remedy this, join a club like Pop Luck (popluckclub.org) even before you have your first. Connecting with others who have kids and getting support can help you get on the track of having an even happier life—between diaper changes, of course.

10. What could make it end?

Answer: When the bad outweighs the good.

Relationships don’t usually end because of an affair, broken agreement or other betrayal. They usually die a slow and painful death, where eventually one person just can’t take it anymore. It’s as if there’s an emotional bank account, and eventually all the money is withdrawn and the relationship goes bankrupt. To prevent an untimely end, put money in your partner’s emotional account every day. Do small things—pay him compliments, make him coffee or send him a text wishing him a good day. But the biggest contribution you can make to his emotional bank account is empathy. That one will pay back dividends.

What Does Your New Year’s Resolution Say About You?

New year’s resolutions are seductive. When people announce one, they often feel more confident and in control. It’s like a little high of hopefulness. But how many times have you scrapped your goal and given up early? Here are the secrets of a successful new year’s resolution, why they typically fail and how to keep yourself from falling into Baby New Year’s age-old trap.

Every year I’m asked at some random New Year’s Eve gig if I “made any resolutions.” Usually the only resolution I have on my mind at that moment is escaping this prying yahoo and allowing my lips to make an intimate connection with a glass of champagne. Apparently, I’m in the minority. According to Nielsen, only 16% of people in 2015 didn’t make a resolution.

The whole “new year’s resolution” thing seems like that treadmill from The Jetsons that won’t shut off. You just keep doing the same old thing year after year after year (and I’m not talking about marriage). So I’ve decided to crack the code for you on just what makes an effective and lasting new year’s resolution—though I do worry that if I’m successful, I may be fighting you for a spot in my bootcamp class!

The Top New Year’s Resolutions (and How to Make Yours a Good One)

01/ “I’m going to get fit and healthy.”

Ugh. “Diet and exercise” just seem like a fancy way of saying “deprive and exhaust.” And I hate the swell of sweat-covered hopefuls all crowding the gym like an invading ant colony in January, only to retreat back to their respective hills (a.k.a. homes) in February.

The Solution: Figure out why you want to be fit and healthy. Is it because you want to be around for your family? To get more followers on Instagram? Or is it because you want to look attractive to your mate (or your roommate’s mate)? Set a goal that will get you closer, keeping that reasoning in mind.

A Good Resolution: Resolve to do two minutes on the treadmill at the gym, and increase that by two minutes every month. You may feel like a fool at first, but you’ll get into the swing of using a treadmill every time you go into a gym. By December you will spend 24 minutes every time.

02/ “I’m going to lose weight.”

It’s a bitch to get skinny. The problem is that most who have struggled with their weight have also struggled with saying “no.” This prompts drastic diets—or worse, cleanses—putting undo stress on the body and causing it to hold onto whatever weight it can just in case this is the last food it will see in a while.

The Solution: Find the real reason you want to lose weight. Did your friends make fun of your muffin top peeking out of your overly tight Versace tank? Do you wheeze when you climb stairs? Do people roll their eyes when you approach an airline seat?

A Good Resolution: Commit to one change per day, and practice it for 30 days. At the end of one month, add a new strategy to your arsenal. Example: For the first month, drink a bottle of water instead of a soda. For month two, you can add an apple. For month three, add fasting from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. Slow and deliberate changes will have you back in that Versace tank by the time 2017 rolls around … because cold weather should never stop anyone.

03/ “I’m going to enjoy life to the fullest.”

What exactly does this mean? Sure, we all know what it is to have a good time, but how do we go about doing this in a meaningful way?

The Solution: Figure out what it is that floats your boat. For some it may be climbing to the top of Half Dome in Yosemite. For others it could be entertaining several “top-shelf” guests while dangling in a sling at a sleazy motel just off the 101. As Auntie Mame says, “Live! Life’s a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” Figure out what you want to feast upon and enjoy.

A Good Resolution: If you hunger for experiencing other cultures, take one big trip and two weekend trips this year (and plan them immediately). Other examples include: Learning how to ski, learning how to speak Spanish or learning how to take a fist. Use the “one thing a day” rule. Try to figure out one small thing you can do each day that will move you to your goal. By the end of the year, your smile may be your best feature.

04/ “I’m going to get organized.”

This one is rising in 2016 with a bullet due to the popularity of the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo.

The Solution: How does this link to your ideal self? Do you want to pay your bills on time? Have an interior that could be mistaken for a room at the new Edition hotel? Just find the remote?

A Good Resolution: Go through every piece of snail mail every day, and don’t let it out of your hand until you have either thrown it away, filed it or acted upon it. Or allocate 30 minutes every day to deal with email, and don’t do anything else during that time until you’ve finished. (Same rules: Trash, file or act.) Of course, if you want the whole banana, get the book and follow the steps there! By the end of the year you’ll be able to have an overnight guest worthy of introducing to mom. 

Secrets to a Successful New Year’s Resolution

1. Link it to your “ideal self.” That’s the self you would like to be if there were no barriers or limitations. If you have trouble figuring out what that ideal self is, just ask yourself, “What would I be like in a perfect world?”

2. Commit to a strategy, not an endpoint. Rather than “looking great,” figure out what you can do each day to get you there, and commit to it.

3. Break it down into small, achievable, daily chunks (though weekly or monthly works, too).

4. Reinforce yourself for every step, celebrating every win, no matter how small.

5. If you fall off the wagon, just dust yourself off and get back on.

Off the Couch: A Holiday Party Survival Guide

The most difficult part of the year’s end is that obligatory holiday party, so here are five sticky situations and how to navigate through them with ease.

1. You just received a horrible gift.Did your Secret Santa put Justin Bieber’s Purpose in your stocking, but you’re not a “Belieber”?

The Fix: Bad taste does not equal a bad heart. Squelch that convulsing in your throat and act like a queen (Queen Elizabeth). Take the gift in your hand and spend a few moments looking at it front and back (One Mississippi…Two Mississippi…) and make at least one positive comment, like, “His new hairstyle really suits him!” Then put it in your gift pile and give the giver a warm eye-to-eye “thank you.” Redistribute later.

2. You can’t take anymore off-color jokes.Anti-gay humor coming your way? Someone make fun of your accent, past relationships or profession? All are in bad taste and yet favorite fodder of the fiendish at holiday fêtes.

The Fix: No response is the best response for any fun poked at yourself or others, because nothing stops a comedian faster than silence. Now find someone else to play with.

3. You’re running late to a party or dealing with late guests yourself.Lateness is a sign of disrespect to the host. After all, most holiday parties have specific start times because of meals, gift exchanges and other activities.

The Fix for Guests: If you get caught in a jam, notify the host pronto. Then, rather than getting angry, put on some good music and get happy. No one likes a grumpy arrival. Humble apologies and a good wine go a long way toward redemption.

The Fix for Hosts: This is not the time to punish or teach your late guest a lesson. Welcome him warmly, catch him up on what’s happening and get him some food or a drink. (But I won’t fault you for pouring the cheap vodka.)

4. You’re dealing with ‘food pushers.’These are the people who monitor your eating and insist you go through the buffet line to sample whatever happens to be dying on the table. No matter how polite they think they are by feeding you, it is their faux pas for not allowing you to choose what goes in your mouth.

The Fix: Receive the food in question. Hold it in your hand and comment to your pusher, “It looks delicious.” If the pusher follows up or notes you haven’t touched it, simply say, “Thank you, it’s delicious” and talk to someone else. Repeat as necessary.

5. Your Boss’s drunk spouse is hitting on you.What do you do when everything that could go wrong at the holiday party does?

The Fix: Your only choice is to excuse yourself to the restroom and leave the party without notice. A smart guest always prepares to leave a party at the moment of his arrival. Take some advice from TV slacker Jim Halpert of The Office (played by John Krasinski), who offers up three tips: (1) “Have a picture taken.” Take a selfie with the party host and send it to him. (2) “Say some peculiar non-sequitur that people remember.” (3) “Note something unique; a talking point for later.” A flattering detail about the house, host or hors d’oeuvres is always a safe bet. As soon as you have all three, you can leave.

Call it etiquette, political savvy or plain old self-preservation. Around the holidays, the key is really about helping those around you—even the rude ones—feel better. And that is possibly the most meaningful gift you can give to anyone.